’Til death do you part

This is a story about two brothers named William and Moses.

Both are blue-collar guys. They love red meat, beer and pickup trucks. They don’t eat quiche, watch soccer or sit around discussing Maureen Dowd’s latest column in The New York Times.

William, the older man, got married first, to a nice girl named Stella. She wasn’t the prettiest or the most popular girl in town, but she was loyal and hard-working and they were happy. A few years later, Moses met Stella’s sister, Brandy. Brandy was beautiful and interesting and Moses was the envy of the neighborhood. They got married and, for the first few years, they were happy.

A few years later, things changed. Brandy gained weight, grew tired of marriage and started looking elsewhere. Stella, meanwhile, lost weight, bought new clothes and became the prettiest girl on the block.

William and Stella grew closer. Their marriage blossomed. They were as happy as two people could be.

Moses and Brandy grew farther apart. There were a few good years, sure, but Brandy’s unfaithfulness and attitude left the marriage strained. Moses tried everything to win her love. He bought flowers, chocolates and teddy bears. He washed her car. He tolerated her cat. Nothing worked.

Eventually, Brandy left Moses for a man named Cecil. Moses was crushed and spent the next few years pining for her to return. Eventually, she did, but nothing changed. Brandy was worse than ever. People kept telling Moses it was time to move on, but he couldn’t. For him, there was only one true love. It was his curse.

William couldn’t believe his luck. He knew he didn’t deserve his wife. He felt blessed.

Moses couldn’t believe his luck. He knew he didn’t deserve his wife. He felt cursed.

Two brothers. Two sisters. Two very different marriages.

Now. Who is the better husband?

A few days ago, an ESPN.com article named Pittsburgh Steelers fans the best in the NFL. The ranking was based on the votes of “eight esteemed bloggers” who came to their conclusion based on factors such as loyalty, enthusiasm and stadium atmosphere.

The Steelers, owners of a large fan base, terrific ownership and five Super Bowl rings, were lauded for having the second-longest sellout streak (299 games) in the NFL. Only the Redskins (319 games) were better.

Green Bay Packers fans were second. Cleveland Browns fans third.

Two years ago, Bizjournals called Browns fans the most loyal in the NFL. The Browns, owners of a large fan base, terrible ownership and no Super Bowl rings, have sold out 72 straight games. They have won zero division titles since 1992.

Two cities. Two teams. Two very different marriages.

Now. Who has the better fans?

Longtime Sports Illustrated writer Frank Deford said he is suspicious of cities that brag about being good sports towns because they support a losing team.

“This encourages bad performers and enriches stupid management, and it is nothing to be proud of,” wrote Deford. “City boosters might just as well boast that they support corrupt government by voting crooks back into office.”

(Insert your own Jim Traficant joke here.)

On Dec. 24, 2005, Pittsburgh beat Cleveland 41-0, turning Cleveland Browns Stadium into Heinz Field West. There were Terrible Towels throughout the stadium.

Was that betrayal? Or intelligence?

The Browns have won one playoff game in 19 years, yet they’ve sold out every game since returning to the league in 1999.

Is that loyalty or lunacy? Are the Browns a blessing, or a curse? Why do some cities get Stella and others get Brandy?

They always say you should love the one you’re with.

But shouldn’t Brandy love us back?

X Joe Scalzo covers sports for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.