Relatives interfere when sons disown ‘Julie’

Dear Annie: My sister, “Julie,” has been married four times and none of her marriages lasted long. She is now single again and living in an apartment for seniors.

Julie has three sons, all of whom married controlling women who hate their mother-in-law. They go out of their way to exclude her from their plans. Meanwhile, Julie spends every cent of her extra money buying birthday and Christmas gifts for her children and their families. She receives nothing in return. Her oldest son had a heart attack a few years back and didn’t want anyone to tell Julie because “it was none of her business” and she’s not welcome in his home.

That’s the situation. Here’s the problem: Julie is not the best driver and has had several minor accidents, the last of which totaled her very old car. She really needs a car to get to medical appointments and the grocery store. Her sons never visit, not even when she was in the hospital, and they absolutely refuse to take her anywhere. Because of her driving record, the boys decided Julie shouldn’t have a car and wouldn’t help her get one.

We siblings have our own problems getting around and cannot help Julie, so my brother-in-law bought her a used car that she is paying off. Her sons are now mad at their aunts and uncles because we “interfered.” How do we handle the problem with the car? And what can we do about these boys whose controlling wives are provoking hatred for my sister? Worried in N.C.

Dear Worried: Unless Julie’s driving is so dangerous that she shouldn’t be on the road, her children have no say in whether or not she owns a car. And it’s unfair to blame the wives for all the hostility. No matter how nasty, their husbands are allowing them to treat Mom that way. It may not be possible to improve those relationships unless Julie’s sons shape up. All you can do is be supportive of your sister and encourage her to be involved in activities that make her happy and bolster her confidence. She needs you.

Dear Annie: A friend of mine has an aunt who hoards cats. There are dozens of animals that urinate and defecate all over. My friend says no one will visit anymore because her house smells so bad and some of the children have allergies and can’t breathe there.

What causes this behavior? Is there any advice I can pass along to my friend? Love Cats, But Really

Dear Love Cats: Hoarding of any kind is often linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder and mental illness. The aunt may not recognize that she is endangering the cats, but anyone who keeps large numbers of animals and cannot properly care for them is guilty of abuse and neglect. Your friend should call the local Humane Society chapter and have them investigate.

Dear Annie: This is for “Just Sad,” who finally divorced her abusive husband, but now misses the life she had. I divorced my abusive husband after 28 years. I, too, walked away from a lovely home, friends, trips, etc., and ended up living in a mobile home park with one-quarter of the income I had previously enjoyed. My “friends” were suddenly very few. On long, cold nights, I yearned for the comforts of my previous life — a hot tub and fireplace and no money worries. Then I would make myself remember what my life was really like underneath all those physical comforts and I would put on some music and tough it out.

Please tell “Just Sad” that those longings will pass as she discovers her life is so much better on the other side of her current struggle. After 14 years, I am alone but still happier than I ever could have been had I gone back. N.H.

Dear N.H.: Thank you for encouraging our readers not to stay in an abusive marriage for financial reasons.

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