Still mourning the Cubs’ loss? Can’t bear to root for the Red Sox? Waitin’ for

Still mourning the Cubs’ loss? Can’t bear to root for the Red Sox? Waitin’ for next year?

Don’t. Just do what I do and repeat two simple words:

Go. Joe.

These are heady times for Joes, no small feat when you already own the world’s greatest name. Two of the four managers still left in baseball’s postseason are named Joe. (Torre for the Dodgers, Maddon for the Rays.)

The winningest coach in NCAA Division I history? Joe Paterno.

Our next Vice President? Say hello to either Joe Biden or Joe Six-Pack, aka Sarah Palin. (We’ll skip past that Joe Lieberman debacle from eight years ago.)

To win, they’ll have to reach Average Joes and avoiding looking like Joe Shmoe. John McCain used to be a G.I. Joe. Barack Obama may be from Harvard, but he tries to come across as a Regular Joe.

This isn’t new, of course. We Joes are used to the attention.

People drink cups of Joe, bite into Sloppy Joes and get fried chicken with a side of Jo-Jos. If you’re in the mood for something else, remember this: Everyone goes to Pizza Joe’s. Or Joe’s Crab Shack. Or Joe’s Diner.

Heck, people even wear our underwear. Joe Boxer, anyone?

The best boxer in history wasn’t a Kelly but a Joe (Louis). Muhammad Ali’s toughest opponent was a Joe (Frazier). The NFL’s best quarterback was a Joe (Montana) who got the nickname Joe Cool. But he wasn’t the league’s coolest Joe — Broadway Joe Namath gets that distinction.

Namath scored the biggest upset in Super Bowl history. Montana scored the biggest blowout in Super Bowl history — and won three more, for good measure. Joe Gibbs won three Super Bowls with the Washington Redskins. Joe Greene won four Super Bowls with the Pittsburgh Steelers. (Although I won’t hold it against him.)

But they can’t hold a candle to Joe DiMaggio — aka Joltin’ Joe — who won nine World Series rings with the Yankees, which helped to make up for Shoeless Joe Jackson, who was part of the 1919 Chicago White Sox team that threw the World Series.

Jackson isn’t the Hall of Fame but he is the subject of the best sports movie in history, “Field of Dreams.” And besides, there are plenty of Joes who have picked up the slack.

A few years ago, I tabulated the first names from the baseball, football, basketball and hockey Halls of Fame, then added the heavyweight champs. Joe was tied with Bob as the third-most popular name behind Bill and John, respectively.

Incidentally, the name Scalzo means “barefoot” in Italian, so Jackson’s not the only shoeless Joe who has to buy a ticket to Cooperstown.

Super Joe Charboneau isn’t in the Hall of Fame, but he did win American League Rookie of the Year, opened bottles of beer with his eye socket, then drank them with a straw in his nose. In addition to being a fine baseball player (for one year, anyway), he was also his own doctor and dentist, fixing his nose and his teeth with nothing more than a pair of pliers and a shot (or two) of whiskey.

Fox’s top NFL announcer? Joe Buck.

Fox’s top MLB announcer? Joe Buck.

The playground’s top insult? Joe Mama. Or Joe Blow.

The NBA’s MVP isn’t a Joe. But Kobe Bryant got his talent from his father, former NBAer Joe “Jellybean” Bryant, so we take partial credit.

Speaking of partial credit, Joseph was also the father of Jesus. And the book of Genesis devotes quite a few chapters to Joseph, who was one of the patriarchs of Israel and embodies all that being a Joe stands for. Don’t believe me? Turn to Genesis 39:6, which says this: “Joseph was well-built and handsome.”

In the interest of fairness, we’ve had a few bad Joes through the years. Josef Stalin, for instance. Or Joe Camel. But those are minor mistakes in the book of Joe, which could be written by the best sports columnist in America, Joe ... Posnanski.

By the way, the name Joseph means “God shall add.”

But how much better can we get?

X Joe Scalzo covers sports for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.