Sarah comes between John and Joe

By Jim Shea

Sen. Joe Lieberman shuffles into the Chicago office of advice columnist Amy Dickinson (Ask Amy) looking disheveled and downcast. He takes a seat and lets out a sigh.

Lieberman: Thank you for seeing me. Is this OK, or should I be laying down on the couch over there?

Amy: Whichever you prefer, Senator. I’m as new at this as you are. People usually just e-mail or write me.

Lieberman: I’m sorry. I’ve been going through hell the past three weeks, and I didn’t know where else to turn.

Amy: What seems to be the problem, Senator?

Lieberman: Well, I’ve been rejected by someone I care about a great deal, who obviously doesn’t even know I exist anymore.

Amy: My goodness. Are you talking about your wife, Senator?

Lieberman: No, I’m talking about John.

Amy: John?

Lieberman: McCain, Sen. John McCain, the big man, the big war hero.

Amy: Oh. You sound a little bitter.

Lieberman: Bitter? Why would I be bitter? I gave up my political life for that man. And then she came along.

Amy: She?

Lieberman: Sarah Palin, that Klondike hussy with her fancy eyeglasses and her beehive hairdo and her lipstick and her hockey pigs or whatever.

Amy: Now you are sounding jealous.

Lieberman: Jealous? Of her? Please. What, are you telling me I wouldn’t look fabulous in a pair of Kazuo Kawasaki 704 frames, or a B-52s hairdo, or makeup? I have makeup on right now. Look.

Amy: So what do you think she has — I can’t believe I’m asking this — that you don’t have?

Lieberman: I’ll tell you why he likes her better than me. Because she can gut a moose. I could gut a moose if I wanted to. I dissected a frog in high school once. Didn’t even throw up.

Amy: Um, did you see this split coming?

Lieberman: Totally blindsided. I thought I was going to be his, his — I’m sorry, I swore I wasn’t going to do this — his running mate right up until that Friday morning, when he picked her.

Amy: How did that make you feel?

Lieberman: How do you think it made me feel? Betrayed. Used. Abused.

Amy: But you’re a politician. All your relationships are like that.

Inseparable

Lieberman: True, but this was different. We were inseparable. We traveled all over the country on his stupid bus. Went overseas. Look at the photos. There was a time when you didn’t see a photo of him without me in the background. Then he dumps me, treats me like I’m one of his lobbyists.

Amy: Yet even after he picked Palin, you still spoke on his behalf at the Republican convention?

Lieberman: I thought if I could give a great speech on his behalf, really fillet Obama, I could win him back. I was a fool.

Amy: Maybe you should try to get away from all of this, go back to Connecticut and regroup.

Lieberman: Connecticut! No way. I’ve burned too many bridges there.

Amy: Bridges to Nowhere?

Lieberman: Not funny.

Amy: Sorry.

Lieberman: Look, I came here for advice. You have any or not?

Amy: Well, one way to get over a bad relationship is to find someone new.

Lieberman: Hmmm, you know, that makes sense. Get back up on the horse.

Amy: Absolutely, Senator. You are an experienced wingman. There are lots of politicians on the make out there who would be proud to have you sharing their photo-ops.

Lieberman: Yeah. Amy, thanks for your time, but I have to run.

Amy: Where you off to, Senator?

Lieberman: Back to the office. I have to give my good friend Mike Huckabee a call.

Los Angeles Times-Washington Post News Service