He needs to get the message about misbehaving

Dear Annie: I’m not sure how to handle a situation with my husband. Our cell phones look identical. The other night, as I went to run some errands, I grabbed his by mistake. When a text message came in from his supervisor, I read it because I thought it might be important. The message was, “You are being really bad.” Curiosity got the best of me, so I scrolled through their previous text messages.

What I found really bothered me. My husband was talking about a co-worker, an attractive female whom we’ve known for years, who now works in his new department. The first few messages were the written equivalent of ogling. But then they became more disgusting as he talked about specific areas of her body. He even said he planned to take pictures of her and send them around.

I don’t think this would bother me so much if we had not had issues in the past about his watching pornography and joining adult chat rooms. He could not understand why it seemed like he was cheating on me. He never admitted he was wrong for seeking pleasure outside of our marriage, and he has yet to apologize. He also refused to see a counselor with me, although I did go on my own.

I honestly thought I was past this until I saw the text messages. I don’t expect him not to notice attractive women, but I’m worried that his prior history could be a sign that he is willing to have an affair. I know this female co-worker, and if my husband approached her, I’m fairly certain she would turn him down. But it still bothers me. Please help me find a way to talk to him. Feeling Betrayed in Indiana

Dear Indiana: Tell your husband you took his phone by mistake and saw the messages about the co-worker. He’ll get angry, but that’s what people do when they are caught misbehaving. Explain that his prior history makes you uncomfortable with this kind of office chat, and that he also could get into trouble if anyone else intercepts these messages or, worse, receives one of those pictures.

Insist that he go with you for counseling this time because your marriage is seriously suffering.

Dear Annie: I never imagined this could happen to me, and I am overwhelmed and embarrassed. I recently found out that I have herpes.

I almost always use protection and usually know my partners fairly well. Instead of pointing fingers, I am trying to accept this situation. The problem is, I don’t know how to tell my current partner. I know it’s the right thing to do, but I’m scared of his reaction. I can’t find the words to tell him or my family.

I am learning more about herpes and want others to be aware of it. How can I discuss this with the people I care about when I’m so ashamed? Embarrassed in Oahu

Dear Oahu: Herpes is a treatable (not curable) condition, although anyone who has multiple partners should use protection every time — not “almost always.” Even so, while condoms help, they are not 100 percent effective in preventing herpes. The Herpes Resource Center at the American Social Health Association (ashastd.org) can provide you with guidelines for discussing this with your partner as well as your family. The address is P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, NC 27709.

Dear Annie: I couldn’t help but laugh when I read the letter from “Want to Know in West Yarmouth, Mass.,” whose boyfriend grooms her by removing any blemishes on her skin and body. It took me back many years when my fianc did the same thing.

Almost 53 years and four kids later, he’s still doing it. (He even tweezes my eyebrows and chin hairs!) By the way, he’s a wonderful husband in every way. Pittsburgh, Pa.

Dear Pittsburgh: We’re glad you can see this in the positive light in which it’s intended. Different strokes for different folks.

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