Unexpected guests spoil plans for family vacation

Dear Annie: My sister and I are very close. We had our weddings a month apart and are guardians for each other’s children in the event of death. In the past, we’ve often celebrated our anniversaries together.

A year ago, my husband and I were coming up on a significant anniversary and wanted to do something special. I suggested we take a trip overseas with my sister and her husband to mark the milestone. They agreed, but there was no further discussion. Six months ago, I brought it up again, asking whether they were still interested because I wanted to begin planning. They said to go ahead.

After much back and forth, I pressed my sister to pick a specific date and was blind sided when she announced that her husband had invited another couple to come along. I had met this couple only once, several years ago.

I was speechless. I informed my sister that this was not what we had in mind and it would be weird to be the fifth wheel. My sister agreed and said it was her husband’s responsibility to disinvite them. A few weeks later, I discovered the other couple had made reservations at the same hotel at the same time.

Suddenly, this is a different trip from what I had planned. If we were to back out now, we would lose a lot of money. I am so resentful, I don’t know how to handle it. I feel my sister has ruined my vacation and put her friends first. What do I do? Between Family and Friends

Dear Family: Clearly your sister and brother-in-law find these joint vacations a bit insular and wanted to spread the joy around. They should not have invited these friends without clearing it with you first, but it serves no purpose to travel with a chip on your shoulder. Try to make the best of it and consider that you might have a wonderful time in spite of the change in the arrangements. We wouldn’t plan any future vacations with your sister, however, unless you both agree on the ground rules.

Dear Annie: I am a middle-aged woman who has been married and divorced twice. I have been dating “Dave” for the past year. He is divorced and has three children. I love all of them very much, and the kids have bonded with me.

Dave has asked me to marry him. The problem is, he doesn’t defend me when his catty friends say nasty, hurtful things. He just stands back and lets them say whatever they want. I have asked him why he won’t speak up on my behalf, and he replies, “I don’t want to upset them. They might get so mad they won’t want to be friends anymore.”

Should I marry him and hope he’ll change, or should I say goodbye now? I don’t want to hurt him or the children. Please help. In Love and in Pain

Dear In Love: Dave’s friends don’t like you and will continue to say hurtful things unless he tells them to stop. We doubt it would end the friendship, and if it does, he hasn’t lost much. You could try being more cordial and welcoming to his friends and see if you can turn this around. But either way, Dave needs to tell them that you are going to be his wife and they must treat you with respect. If he is unwilling to do this, you may as well cut your losses.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Embarrassed Wife,” whose 73-year-old husband checks out every female who moves, including a teenage girl. So what? This is what men do, although some are slyer at it than others. And they look at teenage girls, too, because most of them are beautiful. That’s why we look. It is not a crime to look. I’m in my 40s and look at women of all ages. Sly Enough

Dear Sly: It’s OK to look. It’s not OK to ogle, drool, make slurping noises or otherwise embarrass your wife.

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