Thanksgiving: good time to reach out to Dad

Dear Annie: For the past 20 years, my family has spent Thanksgiving with my father, but last year Dad and I had a big blowup. We both said a lot of hurtful things. My mother is not around to help us reconcile. The only attempt my father has made to contact me was a letter that had more hurtful things in it.

I used to call him occasionally so my children could talk to Grandpa, but I no longer do that. So what happens at Thanksgiving? My children are asking to see him. It is a seven-hour drive to his house, and we would have to stay there. I really don’t want to go, even though this would be the first Thanksgiving without him. But do I hurt my children just so I can avoid Dad? Confused and Heartsick

Dear Confused: The longer you wait to reconcile with your father, the harder it will be. Unless you plan never to speak to him again, this is as good a time as any to face the music. You both said hurtful, angry things. Be the bigger person, pick up the phone and apologize. Don’t expect Dad to admit fault. Simply tell him you’re sorry for the awful things you said, the fight you had and the long silence, and ask if you can bring the children to see their grandfather for Thanksgiving. We hope he will say yes. (If it’s at all possible to stay at a motel, we recommend it.)

Dear Annie: My dearest friend, “Ruth,” and I have known each other for 40 years. For a while now, I’ve noticed that she has been drinking a lot, and I’m pretty sure she’s drifted into alcoholism. Her husband drinks, too, but seems to be handling it a lot better.

A couple of months ago, Ruth quit her job in a fit of anger, and now she just sits around and drinks. She looks vacant and can’t focus on anything. I don’t think she’s cleaned her house in months.

Last week, I got together with Ruth for lunch. She looked terrible and had alcohol on her breath. Her clothes were dirty and wrinkled. After lunch, we returned to her house, and she suddenly ran to the bathroom and was sick. As soon as she came out, she poured herself a glass of wine and then fell asleep in her chair. I gently shook her awake and told her I was worried about her. She made some flip comment about aging and I went home.

Every time I see Ruth, she looks worse, and now I fear she could die. She’s only 56 and has a wonderful teenage daughter. My husband says there’s nothing I can do, that she must want help. Is he right? Her Best Friend

Dear B.F.: Ruth may be depressed and self-medicating with alcohol. Your husband is right that she must want help, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything. Please contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at (888) 4AL-ANON ([888] 425-2666) and ask for advice.

Dear Annie: I read the responses to “DPN,” who asked why men have affairs. I’m here to tell you it goes both ways. In the past 39 years, my husband has gained over 100 pounds. He thinks the television is his best friend. He is not interested in sex because of his size and medical problems. I have found myself attracted to men who think I’m interesting, smart and pretty. My affairs have caused problems in our marriage but have not encouraged my husband to drop a pound or read a book.

That column painted a bleak picture of women, but let’s give men their due. They can be just as cold and distant. The Other Side

Dear Other Side: True. And neither gender has a monopoly on being wrong.

Dear Readers: For those of you who are changing back your clocks one hour tonight, please remember to also replace the batteries in your smoke alarms. Sleep well and stay safe.

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