She feels her husband is letting her down

Dear Annie: I will be 40 this year and really want to celebrate this milestone in my life. In the past, my husband has told me he needs plenty of notice to plan something special for my birthday, but we’ve never done much. I don’t require a lot to be happy, but this time I wanted to go all out.

Six months before my birthday, I asked him to plan a party for me. He said he thought it was a great idea and would take care of it.

Well, Annie, it’s only one week until the big day and he hasn’t done a thing. He hasn’t planned any kind of party or even thought about it. I am crushed. It’s as if he wrote on the walls of our house in bold letters, “You don’t matter.”

I never ask this man for anything. I am the cheerleader, the cook, the laundress and the nurse. I love my husband more than life itself, so why has he done this to me? I get only one 40th birthday. I wasn’t asking for an elaborate event, just 30 people or so, with something to eat, a cake and maybe balloons. Our daughters were more than willing to help him, but he never got the ball rolling.

If I want the party now, I’d have to plan it myself. I am so hurt that I told him he ought to treat my birthday like any other day because that’s what it will feel like to me. Am I wrong? Should I make my own plans with friends and just leave him at home? I don’t know what to do. Doesn’t Matter Anymore

Dear Doesn’t Matter: If you are the “cheerleader, cook, laundress and nurse,” your husband likely had no idea what to do or where to begin. He was overwhelmed by the need to make it special — so he procrastinated and now you’ve both given up.

Unless he’s planning to surprise you, your expectations may have been unrealistic. He needed guidance. Do something less grand for this birthday and plan a party for your 45th. Be sure to give him a guest list and some practical suggestions.

Dear Annie: Are you supposed to tip the wait staff on the total bill, including the sales tax, or on the amount before the sales tax is added? My feeling is that the sales tax has nothing to do with the quality of service and there’s no reason to include it when figuring the tip. What do you say? Still Hungry

Dear Hungry: A tip should be a percentage (usually 15-20 percent) of the bill before sales tax is added. Some people who can’t manage decimals have found that doubling the tax often gives them a similar figure, but that depends on your local taxes. Please don’t stiff the staff.

Dear Annie: Thank you for your compassionate response to “Frustrated Mom,” whose daughter, “Celia,” suffers from neurotic excoriation, also known as Compulsive Skin Picking or CSP — a disorder that is widely misunderstood. It also is deeply humiliating, so seeing your educated and helpful response was a breath of fresh air.

As an adult who has struggled with CSP since my early teens, I’ve heard everything from “Why don’t you just stop?” to insensitive comments like “What’s wrong with your skin?” I have many friends who were thrilled to see your on-target response to Celia’s symptoms, as well as your suggestion for contacting the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation, an organization that has been a godsend for so many.

I strongly encourage Mom to persevere in finding help for her daughter. Celia needs it more than she will ever admit, even if she resists at every turn. Also, that daughter should be grateful her mother is so open-minded and willing. Many wish they were as fortunate. I’m Picky, Too, in Fargo, N.D.

Dear Fargo: Many readers wrote to say how relieved they were to discover they are not alone with this condition and, like you, offered words of support.

XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to: Annie’s Mailbox‚Ñ¢, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.

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