Spending strays from national statistics

It turns out most people spend about 1.2 percent of their income on water and sewage. We spend a fraction of a percent each on rugs, books, bicycles and cleaning products. And a tenth of a percent on sewing. I didn’t know anyone under 50 sewed anymore.

This information comes to me from the federal Bureau of Labor Statistics. Each month, they break down Americans’ spending into 200 areas, and lay out how much an average consumer spends on each.

I thought I’d see how typical I am. Not very.

I may be close on the Big Eight. The bureau says our money is split like this: Housing — 42 percent. Transportation — 18 percent. Health care — 6 percent. Education/Communication — 6 percent. Recreation — 6 percent. Food and beverages — 15 percent. Apparel — 4 percent. Miscellaneous — 3 percent.

I’m less typical when they start to break it down.

Most people spend 3 percent on full-service restaurants and 2.4 percent on fast food. Having somehow ended up with three children, I spend the whole 5.4 percent at drive-thru windows. I also spend 2 percent on Zantac for stomach upset from the stress of trying to translate shouted food orders from the backseat to that scratchy little microphone. My sons are always yelling things like, “A large Number One with a Coke.” Whatever that is.

Gasoline is now 5.2 percent of spending — almost as much as health care. Another 2 percent is spent on car insurance.

I wish.

Cursed class

I am in the cursed class of Americans who have multiple teen drivers. I once saw a list of life’s greatest shocks, including divorce, jail, being fired, pregnancy and retirement. These are nothing compared to the new insurance estimate you get once your teenager gets his license.

It was interesting to me that the bureau’s expense breakdown combines education and communication, since the two are often opposite. English has been replaced by text-speak, which includes such phrases as, “haha, imo that movie sks, oops, brb, c u l8tr.” My own children have been known to send and receive thousands of texts a month. I did avoid bankruptcy by getting an unlimited plan, but only wish I was a typical American who spends a mere 1 percent on cell service. Put it this way; my AT T wireless bills are 200 pages.

I see that pets are lumped into the recreation category, and account for just under 2 percent of spending. I’ve tried to avoid that by only adopting pound mutts for $20 as opposed to Pomeranians for $1,000, or whatever those rodent-sized purebreds cost. But each time I do that, I find that the first bag of dog food costs more than the dog. And for some reason, veterinarians charge just as much to remove a piece of stick from a mongrel’s throat as a purebred’s.

Cable is 1.2 percent — slightly more than dental services, which says something about America. DVDs are .025 percent if you’re typical, but if you have teenage boys, you have to multiply that 10 times for NBA Street, 360 Skate, Saint’s Row, Guitar Hero, Def Jam Vendetta, Madden 08, FIFA and Halo. If you need to ask what those are, you’re both luckier and richer than those of us with an Xbox in the basement.

Positive news?

Haircuts cost most folks 1 percent of income, and years ago cost me far less. Then a wife and daughter came into my life. I still don’t understand those pieces of foil they put on women’s heads, or why a salon visit can’t just take 18 minutes, but my family hair bill is more than the $20 I used to use for one monthly cut. When I asked my daughter about exact costs, her texted response was, “Blond hilites rule your paycheck for sure.” I’m guessing that’s not positive news.

Finally, as for food, there are mainstream sub-categories like milk, cereal and chicken. I’m not sure why the bureau left out the far more common groups, at least in my household, such as cheeseburger-Hot-Pockets, Cape Cod potato chips and Easy Mac.

Still, there are some areas where I’m below the average. I spend nothing on baby clothes, men’s accessories, cigarettes and film.

I think I’ll celebrate that tonight.

If we can agree on a good drive-thru window.

X Mark Patinkin writes for The Providence Journal. Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service.