Who’s the boss when marriage roles reverse?
Rules of marriage change as women’s income rises.
McClatchy Newspapers
MIAMI — Whether in a relationship or looking for one, consider this: If you are a woman, chances are rising that you will out-earn your man.
Now that women increasingly are graduating with advanced degrees, starting their own businesses and moving up in the corporate world, their expanding role as bread-winner is altering their role in marriage and companionship. The female out-earns the male in one of every three households, a figure that has increased every year since 2000 and will rocket to about half by 2025.
The shift in economic power has couples charting new boundaries in areas from money talks to household chores to what goes on in the bedroom.
“Because of these dynamics, the rules of marriage have changed more in last 30 years than the previous 3,000,” says Stephanie Coontz, who teaches families studies at The Evergreen State College and has authored books on marriage and gender roles.
The shift requires as much of an adjustment from men as it does for women, who find themselves struggling to cede any control over household duties and family tasks.
Graham Howland, 48, says giving up his demanding career as a chef has helped his wife, Lisa Landy, 44, excel as a Miami law firm partner while raising a family. “I love taking care of the kids and cooking meals every night for them,” he says of his role as primary child-care giver.
“I’m OK with her being the boss over our finances,” Howland says, but he admits the arrangement is more difficult at times for his wife.
The pitfalls of these relationships: Some men feel emasculated if their wives are the breadwinners and they are asked to take on more household chores and child-care responsibilities. And some women feel resentful if they not only shoulder most of the household’s financial obligations, but also are expected to pick up the lion’s share of the domestic responsibilities.
In Hispanic and Caribbean households where traditional views on gender roles are sometimes stronger, pressure to conform may also come from extended family. To make these modern relationships work, couples say, requires frank discussion early on, frequent communication and marital trouble-shooting skills.
“Both have to give up the 1950s definition of masculinity and femininity and focus on how they can be their best as individuals inside a couple,” Coontz says.
Gilda Carle, a psychotherapist/relationship expert, says the societal assumption is that men in these disparate income relationships must have high self-esteem. But she says it also takes a secure woman.
Carle says a lot of higher-earning women overcompensate. “They are so frightened that their husband will feel threatened that they downplay their promotion or hide their raise or come home at 7 and start trying to make an elaborate dinner when their husband has been home since 5,” she says.