If she’s looking to get married, don’t look at Tim
Dear Annie: I am a 38-year-old divorced mother with two sons, and I’ve been dating “Tim” for five years. Tim is 40, never married and still lives at home with his parents and a 47-year-old brother.
Tim and I were engaged (I popped the question), but while planning the wedding, he started acting odd. I asked what was wrong, and he said he was afraid of being a stepparent and concerned about the amount of fighting between us. He also said I wasn’t the woman he “pictured he would marry.” So I called it off, completely dejected. We reconciled a few months later, started couples counseling and things seemed to be progressing smoothly.
To figure out if he could handle being a parent, he moved in with me six months ago. Last week, I again brought up marriage. That led to an argument, and I finally told him to make a commitment or move out.
Tim says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he needs more time. Yet, he never follows through on anything, and every time I want to discuss our future, he shuts down and runs away to his parents’ house.
I’ve told his mother that allowing him to live there as an adult has stifled him emotionally. Tim has no real life experience (paying rent, taxes, grocery bills, etc.) and is petrified of adult responsibility. I asked her to not allow him to return home, but she refused. I’ve also spoken to his brother, who says I should be less demanding and more understanding.
I love Tim and his family, but I’ve been more than patient. What else can I do? Fool in Love
Dear Fool: Tim is a little boy pretending to be a man. Of course he’s scared. He will never be able to commit to you or anyone else (nor would you want him to) until he learns to stand on his own two feet. If you are looking for marriage in the not-too-distant future, you will have to find it elsewhere.
Dear Annie: I have a hot-tempered husband who is quick to yell, and he tends to be worse when stressed or in a hurry. I have put up with this for over 25 years.
Now I want him to know that if you stab someone with your knives (angry words) and you don’t bother to pull them out and bandage the wound (saying you’re sorry), then the wounds can’t heal and eventually begin to fester.
I’m not sure if my husband is too proud to apologize or if he never learned how. He seems to think if he acts like nothing happened, everything will be OK. I’ve done my best to forgive and forget, but there’s an empty space where love used to be. I don’t think he knows how much this has hurt our marriage, so please pass along this message for me. Wounded and Not Healing
Dear Wounded: This is one of those messages you really need to pass along yourself. Your husband can’t read your mind and may not understand how much a sincere apology can smooth over rough spots that otherwise get bumpier. Ask him to go with you for counseling. It won’t help to suffer in silence.
Dear Annie: “Curious in the East” asked how kids feel when Mom is the one who leaves the family.
My mother left when I was 16. She had an affair with a friend whom we knew well. She chose him over us, but she still expects us to be the ones to call and write. She is more concerned about the latest fashions and getting her nails done than her children and grandkids. She is the most selfish person I know.
Am I still angry? Absolutely. The feeling of abandonment manifests itself in behavior that is with you for the rest of your life. Don’t Want To Be Like Her
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