This many-time two-timed husband has lost all his ambition

Kathy mitchell and Marcy sugar \ Annie’s Mailbox

This many-time two-timed husband has lost all his ambition

Dear Annie: About 18 months ago, I discovered my wife of 22 years was having multiple affairs. When I found out about the first one, she told me several lies in an effort to cover it up and minimize the severity of the situation. When I became suspicious and did more checking, I discovered more affairs, current and past. When everything was out in the open, she repeatedly told me she was no longer in contact with these men. Another lie.

Up until then, I thought our relationship was solid and I could trust her. I thought we were best friends. I don’t understand why she would gamble with our relationship like this, not to mention our children’s security. Now things will never be the same. Since I found out, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep, my ambition is gone, and I think my career is in jeopardy. And I always have the unpleasant feeling that people know about our situation. I used to think about how we would spend our time when we retired. I don’t have those thoughts anymore.

What makes intelligent people do stupid things? How can I ever trust her again? How can I ever be sure she won’t have another affair? Please don’t tell me to see a counselor. I know what the problem is and what we have to do to make it work. It’s just that my heart isn’t in it. Should I stay or should I go? My Clash

Dear Clash: There is no way to predict whether your wife will cheat again, but the degree of her deceit and betrayal indicates she has some unresolved issues about fidelity and emotional needs. Without counseling, we doubt she will get to the root of her problem, and without that understanding, she is unlikely to be able to control her future behavior. Saving this marriage will take a great deal of work, and right now, you are too psychologically exhausted to care. Please talk to someone — if not a counselor, then a clergy member or a friend. You might even consider venting your hurt and anger in a chat room. Then maybe you will be able to think clearly enough to make a decision.

Dear Annie: A relative died recently and left various letters to be distributed after her death. We know she had mental problems and suspect some of these letters might contain hurtful information to a few of the recipients. Should we honor her wishes, or do we pick and choose who gets the letters? Worried Family

Dear Family: Distribute the letters as they are, but add a disclaimer about your relative’s mental health. This can be done verbally or with a short note explaining the reason behind your concerns. The recipients can then decide if the letters are worth opening and taking seriously.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Knowing We Did the Right Thing,” who was distressed at not hearing from the recipients of the organ donations they had made when their daughter died.

You are right that organ recipients are sometimes hesitant to write to the donor’s family for fear of seeming inappropriate. After all, you, the recipient, are alive and the donor is dead. As grateful as all recipients are, dealing with that dilemma is very difficult.

I am fully aware of this conundrum because I received a heart transplant nearly five years ago at Duke Medical Center. At Duke, the procedure is to wait one year after your transplant before contacting the donor family. I’m glad I had time to think about it, because what could I say to the family of a 40-year-old donor that would make them happy their loved one’s heart was given to a 73-year-old man? I finally managed to say what I was feeling in my heart.

There is another side of this coin. It’s been four years since I wrote that letter and I have not heard a word back. Many Happy, Productive Years Later

Dear Productive: We heard from many readers — both recipients and donor families — and we thank all who wrote.

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