Through the looking glass

By MIKE PINGREE

DO YOU SEE THE LITTLE LEVER NEAR THE DOOR HANDLE? A woman in Oren, Utah, found herself locked inside her car when her battery died. She called the cops; when they came, she couldn’t hear what they were saying because the windows were rolled up. They had to call her on her cellphone to explain how to unlock the car manually.

I HAVE TO SAY, MA’AM, WE AGREE WITH YOUR SON: A 73-year-old woman in Fort Worth, Texas, got into a heated argument with her son, who lives with her, because he objected to her walking around the house in the nude. Police involvement resulted.

SO I ASSUME YOU’RE FAMILIAR WITH OUR ACCOMMODATIONS: A 48-year-old man stole a can of beer from a convenience store in Portsmouth, N.H., and was held on $10,000 bail because he had been arrested 152 times before. When the judge asked him if he had a lawyer, he replied, “I don’t need a lawyer. I’ve been in this court more than you have.”

A BAD END TO AN OTHERWISE LOVELY EVENING: A somewhat intoxicated airline pilot and stewardess walked into the woods in a small Pennsylvania town to engage in sexual relations. Afterwards, they had trouble finding the road and became separated. The woman was caught after she entered the fire chief’s car to find a flashlight, and the nude pilot was arrested when he confronted a woman near her rural home and asked her for a pair of shorts.

DUDE, JUST TAKE PART OF MY STASH ... OH, HELLO, OFFICER: A man, high on marijuana, went into a gas station in Carterton, New Zealand, to buy candy bars and chips, then tried to pay with demon weed. Alas, a police officer happened to be standing in line right in back of him.

UH, NO, OFFICER, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT GOT HERE: Two thieves got a dolly and stole a Pepsi machine from outside a liquor store in Hughes, Ark., then walked it down a road to a home less than a mile away, leaving a clear set of tracks for the police to follow, which they did.

WHEN IN DOUBT, ASK FOR A VALID I.D.: After a 22-year-old man had sex with a female he had met on the Internet, he discovered, to his dismay, that she was only 13 and that he was facing jail time. She had advertised herself as a 19-year-old divorcee. Another man is doing five years in prison for the same thing with the same lady. The latest guy’s father said, “I guess we sit back and count how many after this.”

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN KISSING HIM A LOT: A 17-year-old woman was arrested for DWI because she had a blood-alcohol level almost twice the legal limit. She told the cop who pulled her over, “I didn’t drink. I was kissing a boy who was drunk.”

SOURCES: KUTV, WFAA, Portsmouth Herald,The Patriot-News, Dominion Post,Seattle Post-Intelligencer, WFTV, Newsday.