Change the Patriot Act to Security Act

Thoughts at large:

I’m getting a bit tired of the “overwhelmed celebrity” act. You don’t see people struggling to pay mortgages go into rehab every six months.

Why do dogs love swimming but hate baths?

As far as the new push to make restaurants list the calories of each dish — would most men know what the numbers mean?

Do you think the 1960s cavalry sitcom “F-Troop” would have problems today featuring an Indian tribe called the Hekawi, because they once got lost and asked, “Where the heck are we?”

What clown decided to make hospital Johnnies tie in the back?

How come baseball managers wear uniforms while coaches of other sports don’t? Wouldn’t you love to see an older, overweight basketball coach in shorts and a shoulder-strap jersey?

Can we please change the name of The Patriot Act to The Security Act, and get politicized connotations out of legislative policy?

I don’t mean to be a tyrannical parent, but my new rule for my 20-year-old daughter is: If her suitcase for a two-day trip pulls my shoulder out of its socket, she has to pack lighter. Her defense: “I need options.” I didn’t know options weigh 79 pounds.

‘Honorable Madam’

When George Washington wrote letters to his stern mother, he referred to her as “Honored Madam.” I’m guessing there aren’t a lot of kids today who refer to their mom that way.

If a wild turkey senses you’re dominant, it will act submissive, but if it senses you’re submissive, it’ll bully you.

On reflection, that sounds like a lot of people I know.

Someone on the radio said reindeer are really just domesticated caribou. That’s like hearing there’s no tooth fairy.

I was thinking about the newspaper comic character Nancy the other day, and for the life of me, why was she living with her Aunt Fritzi? What happened to her parents? Did they get custody taken away for being on crack or something?

I passed a salon that advertised eyebrow threading, whatever that is, and all I could think was how glad I am that I’m not a woman.

It’s like the other day when I asked a family member who will go unnamed whether she wanted ice cream, and she said, “I wouldn’t sacrifice my rear end for that.” I don’t believe men think that way.

I may not have been her biggest fan, but I kind of miss Hillary Clinton. It was a more interesting campaign when she was still in it.

If journalists approached stories at the same speed that banks approach loan applications, every article would begin, “This just in: The Red Sox last month squeaked out a win over the Yankees ...”

The sign of middle age is when you mistakenly drop a pen and instead of just picking it up, you think, “In the name of all that’s holy, do I really have to bend that far?”

I’m glad Harvard rejected me, or I wouldn’t have any excuses.

Latest typical Cosmo-cover blurb: “Twenty-one naughty sex tips: Tonight, treat him to some boundary pushing sex that good girls only dream of.” Remind me again why everyone says it’s men who have dirty minds?

Don’t you love those “God-makes-someone-for-everyone” couples?

Remember when the only people who wore baseball caps backwards were catchers?

Is it that the print is too small — or my eyes are too bad?

Quick survey: In a recent column, I said there’s something wrong with you if you don’t love a bench-clearing brawl. That sparked readers to denounce me for advocating violence. Was I out of line?

I know government shouldn’t regulate journalism, but I say any media outlet that does a back-to-school story before August should be shut down.

X Mark Patinkin writes for the Providence Journal. Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service.