Quick takes on pricey gas, $20 per gallon coffee

Thoughts at large:

Who buys premium gasoline anymore?

I wonder what the Elks Club will look like when the hip-hop generation gets old enough to start joining it?

I think I’ve just solved the energy crisis: mini wind-turbines mounted on cars.

Former New York Stock Exchange chief Dick Grasso was just vindicated of charges that his $190 million pay package was unlawful. But let’s not forget that he profited off 9/11 when he quickly pocketed a $5 million bonus for keeping the Exchange going through the crisis. And that was on top of the $25 million pay he was already getting in 2001.

You have to wonder about men who wear heavy cologne.

If you don’t love a bench-clearing brawl in baseball, something’s wrong with you.

I’m still hoping to charge the mound at least once before I die.

Some say it’s ironic that we pay $4 for gas while coffee by the cup is $20 per gallon. But I’m thinking most folks don’t drink 20 gallons a week.

A paparazzo trying to photograph Matthew McConaughey at the beach told the police he was attacked by a mob of surfers who threw his camera in the ocean. Put that in the “good news” file.

In 1969, when most older folks demonized them, I would have never predicted the Rolling Stones would become Muzak in dentists’ offices.

Fact: One of three drivers has no clue how to handle a rotary.

I’m starting a petition asking grammarians to rename the colon.

I feel guilty when a new software program asks if I have read the terms, and I lie and click “yes.”

Don’t you love the sudden silence when you realize you’ve had it with a loud car radio and turn it off?

What does it say about us that two of the biggest areas of interest on the Internet are porn and celebrity?

When your car wipers leave a smear, why is it always directly in your line of vision?

I bought a new rice maker, which really does make perfect rice at the push of a button. I think my wife feels threatened by it.

My latest idea for getting rich: A back-scratcher, but with a big flat hand for putting sunblock on your back.

What genius thought it necessary to put directions on a shaving-cream can: Wash face, apply cream?

Where did drivers put coffee mugs before they invented cupholders?

And finally: Even Lincoln’s mundane quotes were wise, like this: “Whatever you are, be a good one.”

X Mark Patinkin writes for the Providence Journal. Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service.