Experts: Parents can’t let go

Camps are dealing with ‘kid-sickness’ more than homesickness.

CHICAGO (AP) — Eve Pidgeon watched the large group of kids, many of them laughing and chatting excitedly as they boarded a bus for summer sleep-away camp last summer.

“They just couldn’t wait,” says Pidgeon, whose 8-year-old daughter Zoe was among the young campers.

Then Pidgeon looked around and noticed something else: “There were no children crying — just parents.”

These days, camp leaders and family counselors say it’s an increasingly common dynamic. It used to be the homesick kid begging to come home from camp. Though that still happens, they’ve noticed that it’s often parents who have more trouble letting go.

They call it “kid-sickness,” a condition attributed in large part to today’s more involved style of parenting. Observers also say it’s only being exacerbated by our ability to be in constant contact by cell phone and computer, as well as many parents’ perception that the world is a more dangerous place.

For leaders at many camps, it’s meant that dealing with parents has become a huge part of their jobs.

“The time and energy camp directors put into preparing parents for camp is now equal to the time they prepare children for camp,” says Peg Smith, head of the American Camp Association, which works with about 2,600 camps nationwide.

Pidgeon readily admits she’s one of those parents.

Last summer, the single, working mother of two wiped away her own tears, as Zoe left for 10 days at Camp Maas, about 40 miles northwest of their home in Grosse Pointe Park, Mich. This year, Zoe asked to go for three weeks and her mother said, “yes,” reluctantly.

“It was nothing for our mothers to send us away for two months. We were their jobs 24 hours a day, so perhaps they needed a respite,” Pidgeon says. “They perhaps didn’t ache for their kids on a daily basis, as working parents do.”

Bob Ditter, a therapist who works with children, adolescents and families in Boston, has acted as a consultant to camps since the early 1980s.

He says there’s something to be said for a parent who cares, but not to the point of becoming a “helicopter parent,” a term used for parents who constantly hover over their children, stepping in to monitor their choices and solve their problems, even into adult life.

“Parents love their kids a lot,” Ditter says. But they also need to let go sometimes. He is, for instance, absolutely opposed to the idea of Internet webcams that allow parents to monitor their children at camp.

“Would you put a webcam in your child’s bedroom?” Ditter asks. “I think parents need to trust that all the good work they’ve done teaching their kids values and to stand up for themselves, it’s all there.”

At Camp Arowhan in northern Ontario, they call it a “parent-ectomy.” As is standard policy at many camps, director Joanne Kates doesn’t allow her campers to phone, fax or e-mail their parents.

They can, however, use a private service that contracts with the camp to exchange handwritten messages, which are scanned and sent throughout the week.

But she’s clear with parents that they have to allow the camp staff to deal with most issues, including homesickness and conflicts between campers.

“Sending your child away to summer camp requires a terrifying leap of faith,” says Kates, who estimates that she easily deals with “10 times” as many phone calls from worried and sometimes meddling parents as she did a decade ago.

She saw a particular shift after the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Child psychologist Dan Kindlon has noticed the heightened anxiety when touring the country to speak to parents.

He says a large majority raise their hands when asked if they think the world is a more dangerous place than it was 20 years ago.

He questions whether that’s really true, and wonders if we are unnecessarily creating a generation of overanxious children.