‘Tom’ may need chance to shape up – or get out

Dear Annie: I am due to give birth to my first child any day and am seriously thinking about asking my husband to move out after I do. “Tom” is lazy, underemployed and self-involved. We’ve had occasional fights about his lack of participation, but mostly I was content. I was willing to take care of our finances and do nearly all the house and yard work. But not anymore.

Tom wanted us to have children, but after I got pregnant, I started noticing how little he contributed to our relationship. I’ve seen how other men treat their pregnant partners, but Tom still spends the vast majority of his paycheck on himself and pursues all his own interests, only pitching in at home when I get very upset.

The final straw came when I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. If I don’t get up and do some dishes or laundry, nothing gets done. I realize now that if Tom can’t sacrifice some of his personal time to help me when I really need it, he isn’t likely to be a good father to our child, and he certainly won’t be a good example of how a husband should behave.

As much as I’d hate to kick Tom out of my life, I don’t think I can handle taking care of a baby and a husband while working full time. I might as well go it alone and at least remove the burden of Tom’s care from my plate. Honestly, he’s been so uninterested in me and my pregnancy, I’d be amazed if he asked for visitation rights.

Counseling probably won’t work, as Tom only attended two of our four Lamaze classes before he got bored and stopped going. Any advice? Better Off Alone in Des Moines

Dear Des Moines: No one has bothered to teach Tom how to be a responsible, hard-working husband and father — including you. By taking on all the household duties, you have given Tom the impression that his participation is not necessary. Please give him a chance to shape up before you throw him out. Explain how you feel, and insist that he go with you for counseling and, if necessary, parenting classes, as a condition of continuing in the marriage. If he isn’t interested, we agree that he’s more burden than help.

Dear Annie: Please correct me if I am wrong. When referring to a certain form of dementia, why do the media and others pronounce it “Altimers”? According to Webster’s dictionary, the correct pronunciation includes another “s” and is supposed to sound like “Alts’hi’merz.” Irene in Roanoke, Va.

Dear Irene: You are correct. The disease is named for Alois Alzheimer, the German neurologist and physician who first identified the disease, and in German, the “z” is pronounced “ts.” We suspect those who mispronounce it mistakenly believe the disease is named for the people most likely to have it — “Old Timers.”

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “At A Loss,” whose brother-in-law sent a raunchy e-mail to his married niece, which has caused a family estrangement. This really struck a chord.

I’ve spent 25 years as a computer support person and can suggest a much more likely explanation why “Uncle Peter” sent this inappropriate e-mail — he accidentally selected the wrong addressee. It’s not at all uncommon to be forwarding an item and, while selecting the folks to whom you want to send it, pick the wrong person. This can be especially disastrous if you’re sending personal e-mail from a work e-mail account.

I always tell my customers to recheck their “To” list on every e-mail, especially if the letter is at all questionable. And if you’re drinking while e-mailing, check it twice. BTDT

Dear BTDT: Anyone who has ever sent an e-mail knows how easy it is for it to end up in the wrong mailbox. Thanks for a more forgiving explanation for Uncle Peter’s behavior.

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