Will Lohan ever learn?

By ELLIS HENICAN

LONG ISLAND NEWSDAY

Who knows? She might even learn something, staring so closely into death’s hollow eyes.

Probably not, this being Lindsay and all. Life lessons have never been a Lohan specialty.

But give the California courts their props on this one. They’ve ordered some clever community service for the Merrick wild child: Two four-hour shifts of quality time with the corpses, laid out on slabs at the L.A. County morgue.

Scare her straight

The idea is to scare Lindsay straight, vividly presenting the possible consequences of driving an automobile drunk. Truly, this could be the second-best thing that ever happened to her.

The best thing, of course, is Britney.

After all the news about of the Louisiana pop-wreck’s exorbitant troubles, honestly, it’s hard sometimes to remember exactly what Lindsay (or Paris or Nicole or any of the rest of them) has done.

Thank God for Us, OK! and TMZ.

The 21-year-old actress-singer and “Herbie: Fully Loaded” star was arrested twice last summer on drunken-driving charges. The first time was in May, when she lost control of her Mercedes convertible and slammed into a curb. In July, after a wild predawn stalking chase, Lindsay’s blood-alcohol was measured above the legal limit. She also was cited for having coke in her white GMC.

She pleaded guilty in August to misdemeanor drunken-driving charges.

Whatever!

At least she didn’t have a frantic public meltdown in front of the paparazzi and hold her own kids hostage — like “somebody” did!

And just to be fair: It isn’t like Lindsay hasn’t been punished already. As part of her plea deal, she spent two months in rehab and a full 84 minutes in jail.

Can you say “rehabilitation?”

X Ellis Henican is a columnist for Newsday.