Couples aren’t always truthful about money

Women are more likely to lie about money to avoid an argument, a columnist says.

BALTIMORE SUN

Many of us have a curious relationship with money. It’s a subject more taboo than sex.

Bring a sweetheart into the mix, and it becomes a strange ménage à trois indeed. Turns out, we frequently hide our finances from the person we hold most dear.

Nearly half of the adults in a serious relationship have committed “financial infidelity,” says Yahoo, which conducted an online survey of 1,750 people last month.

This means they lied to a mate about the cost of a purchase or hid the purchase to avoid fighting about it. (Closets and car trunks are frequent hiding spots.) About one out of 10 has a savings account that a spouse doesn’t know about, and slightly more people secretly run up credit-card debt.

“It’s almost like money is the third rail in the relationship. It’s the charged one,” says Dayana Yochim, author of “The Motley Fool’s Guide to Couples and Cash.”

Women are more likely than men (55 percent to 41 percent) to cheat, Yahoo found. They also are more likely to break up with someone for lying about finances.

“Women are less confrontational than men,” says Laura Rowley, a Yahoo columnist and author of “Money and Happiness.” Little white lies about money might seem worthwhile to women, she says, if they can avoid an argument.

The Yahoo findings are further evidence that men and women approach money differently.

“For women, it’s all about security,” Yochim says. “You see that in the way they invest their money, as well. They tend to stick with safe investments where they won’t lose money — bonds and CDs.

“Men are about opportunity. They’re sort of looking for the next hot stock. They tend to trade more frequently.”

Not surprising, such differences in attitude can lead to conflicts. Money is often the root of breakups. It doesn’t have to be. Discussing finances early can reduce friction later.

Honesty is the best policy when it comes to money. Timing is important, too. It’s best not to be brutally frank during a heated quarrel. Honesty is best served cool.

You and your mate need to discuss your financial goals and worries calmly. If one partner feels financially insecure, for instance, you might agree to set aside six months in living expenses in a high-yield savings account instead of two months, Yochim says. “The goal here is a resolution, unless you like sleeping on the couch,” she says.

It is equally important to men and women to have some financial freedom, where they can spend money without being judged, Yochim adds.

One way to achieve this is to agree upon a certain sum, say, $100 a week, that each can spend with no questions asked, experts say. It can’t be too high. Yahoo found that people tended to agree that anything less than $500 was the most you could spend without talking to a partner first.

Sometimes money issues are a symptom of a deeper problem.

One partner might spend secretly because he or she is upset about getting stuck with the household chores, Rowley says.

Or, if you have a mate with extreme money issues — he doesn’t spend a penny or she can’t save a dime — you need to dig deeper into the cause of this. Attitudes about money are usually rooted in childhood, Rowley says.

Of course you don’t have to divulge your financial laundry on the first date. But once things get serious, you must come clean.