Son is concerned that his mother’s attitude may be due to early dementia

Dear Annie: Six weeks ago, at my urging, my 95-year-old mother moved from Florida to be closer to me. Mom is in good health but lives alone, and I was concerned she could fall or leave the stove on. I bought her a first-class airline ticket and paid for an apartment that is four minutes from my house. My wife offered to have her live with us, but our apartment is too small, plus Mom refused.

I see my mother two or three times a day, pay for all of her groceries and take her out to dinner and shows. I drive her to doctors appointments and pay all expenses that aren’t covered by her insurance, which I also pay for. Despite this, she is very resentful and wants to move back to Florida.

Mom frequently forgets things and has poor vision. She recently accused me of writing bad things about her on scraps of paper that I can see are in her own handwriting. I think she probably has early dementia, but she refuses to see anyone, and her primary care physician says she seems OK for her age. She has plenty of money, which I scrupulously keep track of, but claims she is broke.

Do I send her back, as she insists, or keep trying here? Frustrated in Hawaii

Dear Frustrated: It must be quite exasperating to do so much for Mom and have her be ungrateful and accusatory. But you are probably right about the dementia, and being uprooted has undoubtedly been stressful and disorienting. Six weeks simply isn’t ample time for her to adjust. She is frightened and taking it out on you.

Please don’t send her back to Florida, where she will be alone. Instead, look into local assisted-living facilities where Mom won’t have to cook and the staff will keep an eye on her. And though she may be doing great for her age, that doesn’t mean her health needs should be ignored. Insist that her physician evaluate her for dementia.

Dear Annie: With the holiday season approaching and the economy in turmoil, most of us are on a tight budget. I would like to request that my family and friends make a donation to charity instead of giving me a Christmas present. I’d rather the money go to a good cause than a new pair of house slippers I don’t need or want.

How do I ask people to do this without sounding holier than thou, or as if I’m trying to get out of gift-giving on my end? T.L.

Dear T.L.: Don’t worry so much about how others interpret your philanthropic gesture. Simply tell family and friends that you are going to be donating to charity instead of purchasing Christmas gifts this year and you hope they will do the same.

You can even offer to organize a group donation of clothing or food for your local homeless or women’s shelter. And if someone brings you house slippers, say thank you and add them to your donation.

Dear Annie: I expect I will be one of many doctors responding to “Have Medicare But No Doctor,” whose physician told her he is no longer seeing Medicare patients.

Hippocratic oath or not, when expenses exceed income, even doctors can’t stay in business. Medicare reimbursements to all providers are dismal and, worse, a 10 percent cut is planned for next year.

Doctors have bills, too. We are responsible for insurance, electricity, rent, employee salaries and office supplies. Every year, costs go up. It is not rocket science to see that when doctors retire early, go into another business or leave the state they have been practicing in for years, there will be fewer doctors.

Some rural areas now have no doctors, forcing patients to travel to urban emergency rooms, where they see overworked residents and interns at hospitals that are slowly growing broke. President-elect Obama and Congress better do something, soon. G.D., M.D.

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