Pessimistic parent has become a problem

Dear Annie: I’m having problems with my mother. For her, the worst is always to come: financial crises, prowlers in the neighborhood, war, death, famine. Yet if she calls and you aren’t all sunshiny, she berates you. Mom has little contact with family and runs hot and cold with her friends. She would probably benefit from therapy if she were open to it, but she’s not.

The last time we talked she insisted we were going to lose our house (not so), and when I tried to steer the subject elsewhere, she became agitated. I tried to calm things down and she hung up on me. We haven’t spoken since.

The strange thing is, I don’t miss her. I don’t want to feud with my mother and it’s peaceful not hearing about the end of the world or how stupid I am. I’ve thought of calling to mend things, but I have no idea what to say and I’m not sure I want to reconcile.

If I contact her, Mom will expect me to grovel and she’ll list all my “sins” against her. I used to beat myself up over it, but after therapy I realize I’m not so bad. I’ve taken care of her when she was sick, given her money, helped her with paperwork and other matters, and listened to her problems. But it’s never enough. How do I handle this? Tired of Groveling

Dear Tired: Your mother is a drama queen who thrives on creating turmoil. You can maintain contact without getting sucked into her guilt vortex by setting boundaries and disengaging when she becomes difficult.

Call her up and say hello as if no time has passed. Don’t grovel. If she berates you in any way, respond sweetly that you’re glad she’s feeling OK, say goodbye and hang up. Do it again in a week. When she sees that she can’t ruffle your feathers, she will adjust.

Dear Annie: I am 60 years old and have been dating “George” for over a year. The problem is, he lives like a caveman. His home is filthy and piled with junk so he spends most of his time at my home, where he leaves coffee spills everywhere, greasy fingerprints on cabinets and so on. It’s like I have to clean up after a 2-year-old. He also has a terrible habit of constantly picking his nose and adjusting his male parts. I think those may be nervous habits.

I love George. We hold similar views, like the same activities and can talk easily. But it would be too embarrassing to introduce him to my friends. Should I move on or work on these problems so that we might be happy together? Perplexed

Dear Perplexed: You have nothing to lose by being frank and telling George that he needs to control his nervous habits and learn about cleanliness. Teach him what you can. Remind him when he forgets. If he won’t work on this or doesn’t improve, decide what you are willing to tolerate.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Have Medicare But No Doctor,” whose physician told her she was no longer taking Medicare patients. Your readers may be interested to know that the Web site www.medicare.gov offers a search for physicians and other health care professionals, including those who participate in Medicare. Those who don’t have Internet access can call (800) Medicare, (800) 633-4227. I hope this helps her to find a doctor who cares about patients and not just the bill. K.H.L. in Omaha, Neb.

Dear Omaha: Many thanks for the extremely useful information. We know our readers will appreciate it.

Dear Readers: Tomorrow, Sunday, Dec. 14, 2008, is the 12th anniversary of the Worldwide Candle Lighting. At 7 p.m. local time, anyone who wishes can light a candle for one hour in remembrance of all the children who have died. Those who would like more information can contact The Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org) at (877) 969-0010.

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