Dad’s comment left her feeling hurt and unappreciated

Dear Annie: I am 48 years old and my brother is a year older. I have always helped my parents with everything. When I was 13 and my grandparents became ill, I did all the housecleaning, yard work and food shopping for them. Now I am always the one who runs to my parents’ house anytime they need me.

My brother does very little because he lives far away. I guess I always did these things to win approval from my parents. Growing up, my brother was always everyone’s favorite, but I thought when we became adults my parents would view us as equals.

Yesterday, Dad had surgery, and both my brother and I were there. When Dad finally woke up, he was glad to see me, but when he saw my brother, he said, “Oh, my favorite is here!” It hit me like a rock. After all these years, he prefers my brother to me.

I didn’t stay at the hospital long. I wanted to get away before I cried. Why would he do this? He is 74 years old and he needs me, but I don’t want to see him now because he hurt me so much.

What should I do? Should I ignore the comment and keep being the good child? I don’t want to mention the comment to my mother because she’ll get angry and yell at my father. I need some guidance. Little Sister

Dear Sister: A child can be a “favorite,” but that doesn’t always mean he or she is appreciated more than another child. And it’s not uncommon for parents to value the child they see less often, because visits are so rare. Please try to forgive your father for the attention he gave your brother. When he is feeling better, you should discuss this with him directly and see if you can help him understand why his comment hurt so much.

Dear Annie: We have family members with small children who invite themselves to our home every year around the holidays. We have a small house with no extra room. Each year they pile in on us for at least a week. Although money is not an issue for them, my husband refuses to suggest they get a hotel room. Instead, we have complete chaos.

We barely make ends meet, yet we are expected to provide expensive entertainment, meals and laundry service. It takes days to get our home back in shape when the herd finally departs and even longer to replenish our bank accounts.

We love seeing the family, but we simply do not have the space or the money. I know I have two choices — put up with it or risk creating a family rift. But I am Looking for Option Three

Dear Option Three: You can make plans to go away during the time your relatives descend on you, but if your husband enjoys the company and refuses to have them board elsewhere, he’s not likely to go for it. If these are his relatives, you are stuck. If they are yours, explain that it’s getting too crowded to be fun and give them the names of nearby hotels. Assign chores, and if they stay longer than a weekend, send them to the grocery store with a list so they can chip in for a meal, which, if they had any sense, they would offer to do. And cut back on the entertainment.

Dear Annie: My son and I read the letter from “Perplexed in Pennsylvania,” whose annual party is ruined because “Ed” brings his own bottle and proceeds to become drunk, rude and obnoxious.

We think they should videotape Ed at the next party. Give him the tape privately, and tell him if he can’t behave, he won’t be invited in the future. Palmetto, Fla.

Dear Palmetto: They’ve already tried talking to him, but a videotape might provide more compelling evidence. If not, we agree he shouldn’t be invited back.

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