Ex-drinker is reclusive to avoid temptation

Dear Annie: Several years ago, my husband quit drinking. He did not discuss his decision with me or anyone else. He does not attend AA meetings.

“Bob” has become an attentive partner and a man I love and respect deeply, but he also has become reclusive. He will gladly spend time with me and our adult children, but nobody else. We never get invited anywhere anymore because we have turned down every invitation. Now he is avoiding events that include extended family. He is talking about going away on vacation next Christmas, which is the only remaining occasion we spend with others.

Some of our friends are light social drinkers. Family events usually include alcohol, but no one drinks heavily and many of the adults don’t drink at all. I love my husband very much, but I really need to be around people. I am dreading our retirement years with no friends in our lives.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just shut up and count my blessings? Isolated Wife

Dear Isolated: Because Bob quit drinking on his own, as admirable as that is, it means he has no support network in place. We suspect he worries he’ll be tempted by any alcohol at these occasions, and he could be right. He also may be suffering from depression, and while he may find it easier to avoid people, it doesn’t help.

First, suggest to Bob that he go to an AA meeting, just to see if he likes it. Then you should contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at (888) 4-AL-ANON ([800] 425-2666). You also can explain your concern and ask him to see a counselor. Finally, there is no reason you cannot attend social events without Bob, especially family holidays and celebrations. If he chooses to stay home alone, so be it.

Dear Annie: How does someone mend a rift that happened 20 years ago? My younger brother and I stopped speaking to each other after an argument I barely remember. The rift has been fueled by physical distance and immaturity on both our parts. At first I was angry, but now I’m just sad. I’d like to talk to him, but don’t know how to begin. When I’ve tried before, he’s brushed me off. He even ignored an invitation to my wedding.

I once asked a mutual friend why my brother hates me so much and was told he thought I was a snob. Another time, he told someone I teased him too much as a child, but believe me, it went both ways. My father is out of the picture, and my mother is afraid of making him mad, so she won’t intervene. I don’t know why I feel the need to fix this and am not sure it’s worth it, but I thought I’d get your input before I give up. Missing Him in Texas

Dear Texas: Call your brother on the phone. Say, “I’m sorry for whatever I may have done in the past to cause our estrangement. I love you and miss you. Can we start over?” Do not get sucked into the old blame game. Just repeat, “You’re right. I’m sorry,” whether you mean it or not. If he refuses to allow the rift to mend, there is nothing more you can do, but at least you will know you tried.

Dear Annie: You printed a letter from “Need Advice in Arizona,” who wants marriage and more children, even though her current beau isn’t interested.

Children are a blessing. However, when one spouse has made his or her views clear about not having another child, it is important to listen to what he is really saying. Children have been known to break up marriages more than once in this world. Please listen when your mate voices his or her opinion. From a Woman Who Didn’t and Lost

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