Don’t fume; speak up or forever hold your peace

Dear Annie: Five years ago, my mother came to live with us. Our children are grown and I was looking forward to being alone with my husband, but Mom refused to go to a senior facility. Since I hadn’t lived with her for over 40 years, she seemed like an intruder. She and I did not have the best relationship when I was growing up, but somehow she has forgotten that and tells everyone we’re just alike. This bothers me because I have spent my whole life trying not to be like her.

The main problem is my siblings, who seem to think it’s OK for Mom to live with us without offering one thin dime to help. Mom receives a small pension check and gives us a little bit of money every month. My siblings have said, “If you need anything, let us know.” But why should I have to call them? They know what things cost. At this point, I have no respect whatsoever for any of my siblings. If something happens to Mom, they will not be hearing from me again. Miffed Sister

Dear Miffed: Speak up already. Your siblings have offered to help, but you refuse to tell them what you need, so they happily assume you don’t need anything. It serves no purpose to fume because they aren’t better at playing guessing games.

Create a list of what you would like each sibling to do — whether it’s a financial contribution, driving Mom to doctors’ appointments or taking her every third weekend so you can get a break. Make it very clear that you have taken on a major responsibility and you expect them to do their share to assist you.

Dear Annie: For a little over a year now, my husband of five years has been touching and scratching at his privates all day long. His hand gravitates there every minute. The other day, I counted him doing it 44 times in a half-hour. Yes, I counted.

He does this at home, in public, in front of family, everywhere. He tries to be discreet by doing it quickly, but I still notice. Most of the time, he’s barely touching himself, so I’m not sure what that accomplishes.

I have spoken to him about it, and he claims he doesn’t know why he feels the need to touch himself so often. He showers daily, says nothing itches and acts as if I’m the one with the problem.

This behavior has turned me off in a sexual way, and it’s embarrassing to go anywhere with him. Can you help? Disgusted in Iowa

Dear Disgusted: Your husband should talk to his doctor. Showering daily does not mean there isn’t something physically wrong. And this sort of behavior also can become habitual. Even a 3-year-old is able to learn to control these impulses, and you should insist that your husband do so.

Dear Annie: I read with interest the letter from “A Concerned Sister,” whose sister had lost her hearing. She asked about lip-reading. While your advice was solid, there is another option that I think the family should explore — cued speech.

Cued speech is a visual way of communicating different parts of speech. Instead of learning an entire vocabulary of signs, cued speech uses hand signs to indicate different vowel and consonant sounds. It is quite easy to learn and master, and can help boost lip-reading skills when the sister needs to communicate with people in the family unwilling to learn sign language. She can learn more through the National Cued Speech Association (cuedspeech.org), 5619 McLean Dr., Bethesda, MD 20814-1021.

Cued speech is also an option for young children and has been shown to greatly improve literacy rates among the deaf and hard of hearing. I wish more people knew about this excellent system. Hearing Loss Is in My Family, Too

Dear Hearing Loss: Thanks for the terrific information. Our readers are wonderful about educating one another — and us.

XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to: Annie’s Mailbox‚Ñ¢, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.

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