His wife’s parents take up all of her time

Dear Annie: My wife is overly attached to her parents. Just before bed and the first thing in the morning, she calls to check in with her folks. They also call her multiple times each day. These are the same parents who prevented her from attending medical school with a scholarship so she would stay home and help them. She has lived a life of duty to parents who provided both physical and mental abuse.

After we married, her parents moved within an hour of us. Since then, they have demanded so much of her time, it leaves none for me. It’s like my wife is married to her mother. There are no boundaries. Her mother continually makes decisions about our marriage.

When I bring up my concerns, I get rebuffed. She accuses me of being jealous and trying to drive a wedge between her and her parents. Begging her to be more involved in our marriage is perceived as an ultimatum. We have had a great deal of counseling, but my wife isn’t honest with the therapist and denies these issues exist.

I have given up complaining, as it does no good. Every day, I grow more bitter and resentful that the parents who stole my wife’s childhood are now stealing her adult life as well. I don’t know what to do. Lonely in Wyoming

Dear Lonely: We would consider it your wife’s business to be close to her family, in spite of her upbringing, except that it is having a very negative impact on your marriage. Abusive relationships are complicated, and what seems obviously controlling or manipulative to you may not be so clear to your wife. Go back for joint counseling, but with a counselor who recognizes when your wife is dissembling and will push her to work on it. As always, if she won’t go, go without her.

Dear Annie: My neighbor, “Bob,” constantly trespasses onto others’ property. When my neighbors are not home, Bob takes oranges off their tree, helps himself to their flowers, uses their garden hose, dumps sediment from his flower pot on their lawn, puts his trash in their trash bins and allows his dog to defecate on their lawn.

Is this behavior merely rude and insensitive, or is it criminal? Should I say something to my neighbors or just shake my head and keep quiet? Fuming in California

Dear Fuming: By all means, tell your neighbors exactly what is going on. Bob needs to know people are aware of his behavior because he thinks he’s getting away with it. Is it criminal? It depends on the local laws and what your neighbors may have permitted him to do (such as take oranges). However, if he is stealing or vandalizing property, he should absolutely be reported to the police.

Dear Annie: I was so grateful to see that you mentioned angry moods and increased energy as episodes of mania in bipolar disorder.

I was diagnosed with depression in college and, despite various medications throughout the years, continued to struggle with extreme anger and an inability to sit still. I self-medicated with alcohol. I never considered my moods abnormal, so I never elaborated upon them in therapy. A suicide attempt prompted a trip to a new psychiatrist. I accidentally arrived an hour early, and by the time I saw the doctor, I literally could not sit still.

When the doctor diagnosed me as bipolar, I was shocked. I had depressive episodes, but never happy ones. It is really important to understand that the opposite of the “low” in bipolar is not necessarily “happy.” It could be excessive energy or anger. The diagnosis saved my life, my marriage and my friendships. I finally realized other people were not experiencing the same mood swings. I only wish I could get back the 20 years of not knowing. Looking Forward in North Carolina

Dear N.C.: We’re sorry it took so long for you to get a proper diagnosis, but please know your letter will surely help others. Thank you.

XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net or write to: Annie’s Mailbox‚Ñ¢, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.

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