Second weddings aren't raising many eyebrows

The couple often pay for it, so they celebrate their union however they wish.
ASSOCIATED PRESS
Amy Brown got married last year in a classic white bridal gown. It was a traditional church wedding with many guests, gorgeous flowers and a formal reception.
It happened to be her second wedding, but that didn't raise many eyebrows.
Today, second-time brides have the freedom -- some say more freedom than first-timers -- to celebrate their union however they wish. The distinction between first and second weddings has all but vanished, according to Kathleen Murray, deputy editor of the wedding planning Web site TheKnot.com. "There's not the stigma attached at all," she says.
Although some couples prefer a low-key affair, second weddings have become big business in the ever-growing bridal industry. Often, these celebrations mix a few traditional elements with a slew of more individual touches.
"The second time, it may be more the wedding of their dreams," says Modern Bride magazine editor Antonia van der Meer. "The first time, they were young and maybe it was more the wedding of their mother's dreams."
Personal event
For Tracy Tofte of Castaic, Calif., that meant planning an informal, candlelit, outdoor party for her second wedding, in 2003. She created small, handmade gifts for each of her 80 guests.
"Everything was very how we are," she says. "My first wedding (in 1994) was in a church and in a big hotel ballroom, and it wasn't personal at all. I saw pictures afterward and thought, 'I didn't even know that person was at my wedding."'
Jodi Davidson, who lives in New York City, got married at 24. "I thought this was what you're supposed to do, be a certain kind of bride with the fluffy dress," she says. A decade later, while planning her second wedding, she sees pictures from her first and "none of it seems very 'me'."
In Davidson's case, the second wedding will be more traditional than the first. "It's the first time I'm marrying someone in the same faith. I'm Jewish, so this time I am having a traditional Jewish wedding with a rabbi marrying us, breaking the glass," she says. "When we first got engaged, I wondered, 'Am I allowed to do these things?' But you know what? It really doesn't matter. You do what you want."
Common denominator
Brown, Tofte and Davidson have created very different second weddings, but they have much in common:
Being older, says van der Meer, they are less likely "to ask for permission." They might skip the sit-down dinner (Tofte planned an 8:30 p.m. wedding, followed by dessert and dancing) or choose to walk down the aisle with the groom at the start of the ceremony. Most of the time they're paying for the wedding themselves, so they don't feel tied to what their parents want."
Given that one or both partners have planned a wedding before, they need less time to do it. Brown, from Indianapolis, used some of the same vendors she'd hired for her first wedding. "I loved these vendors so much that I actually got up the nerve to call them and ask them to do it again. Some said they were flattered," she says.
Couples may not want an adviser (a wedding planner or parent) hovering, but they do seek good advice. Many visit bridal Web sites. TheKnot.com, for instance, has a section on second weddings, says Murray.
Registering for gifts is no longer taboo for second weddings, but couples may put a different spin on it by registering for informal dinnerware, say, or even sporting goods. Some request no gifts at all.
The family plan
For some, the second wedding is also a merging of families. Tofte has two children from her first marriage, as does her husband. They celebrated the birth of this new family by creating printed programs focusing on the kids.
Tofte's daughter drew the cover picture and "on each page was an interview with each kid about 'What do you think about your dad getting married?' or 'What do you think about having a new sister?' There were all these adorable answers. That was one thing we did to bring everybody into the idea that this was a blended family," she says.
"We also had a picture of the whole family taken, and we had it put in this big picture frame with a huge mat around the outside. And we had all the guests sign that and we have it hanging in our living room now. It was almost like they were becoming a part of our family as well."
Some couples take family vows or exchange gifts with the children during the ceremony.
"As much as you can involve them, you should," says Dr. Joanne Baum, a family therapist in Evergreen, Colo. "It isn't all about you the way it was the first time, if you have kids."
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