After 43 years, he deserves some happiness

Dear Annie: My wife and I recently celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary. It was not a happy occasion for me.

My wife was an alcoholic for years. She left our children and me on three different occasions, and I took her back each time because I wanted to keep my family together. Once, she went with co-workers to a bar after work and was brought home five hours later by two men who had gone through her purse to find her address. My wife finally got treatment and has been sober for 20 years. Things in our marriage became OK, but not great.

Ten years ago, I found out she’d had an affair when she told me I needed to be tested for a venereal disease. The guy was a co-worker and someone I’d known for years. Since that time, things have gone downhill. It doesn’t help that she gets mad at me for just about everything. Our relationship has become cold at best. I have forgiven her for the affair, but I can’t erase the tapes running through my head.

I am now thinking of leaving her and living alone, but I’m afraid our children, who know nothing about her affair, will blame me. I don’t want to hurt them, but I am so unhappy, my doctor had to put me on antidepressants. I have no intention of abandoning her entirely. She’s not in the best of health, and if we separate, I will be there if she needs my support during a health crisis.

What should I do? Hurting

Dear Hurting: You have put your wife and children first for 43 years and this is commendable, but at some point, you deserve to consider your own happiness. Medication shouldn’t be the only way you can tolerate your wife. Try counseling, and if that doesn’t improve the situation, we recommend a legal separation, especially if you continue to support your wife financially and through her health crises. The children may be disappointed, but we suspect they understand more than you think.

Dear Annie: Last summer my son became engaged. They set a wedding date for late summer. However, she became pregnant, so they are now planning to marry sooner at the local courthouse. But they still want to have their marriage blessed in church, so they intend to renew their vows on the original wedding date, with the minister who had planned to marry them.

What do people do? By the time of the vow renewal, the baby will be 3 weeks old. They are going to do the white dress, bridesmaids (dresses are already bought), guys in tuxes and 200 guests, with an informal reception at a park. I am not sure their plans are in good taste or appropriate for the circumstances. Am I being too old-fashioned? Woes in Washington

Dear Woes: A little. An unplanned pregnancy used to mean a forced shotgun wedding, but that isn’t the case here. Your son isn’t hiding his marriage, but the couple would still like to celebrate and the arrangements have already been made and, in some cases, paid for. Renewing their vows is a perfectly legitimate way to do this. Stop worrying about what others will think and enjoy the moment.

Dear Annie: “Brother-in-Law” was upset that his newlywed sister and brother-in-law were showering together when they slept over. I just want to tell you that my husband and I have been married for 56 years. Because of a back problem that does not allow me to lean backward, I am unable to have my hair washed by my hairdresser, so my husband does it in the shower. We have been showering together for years. He washes my back, I wash his, and it’s easier for both of us. I see nothing wrong with it, whether or not you’re a newlywed. And besides, it conserves water, which is increasingly important. Reader from Massachusetts

Dear Reader: We suspect it was the, um, intriguing sounds emanating from the bathroom that annoyed the brother-in-law, but we agree that showering together is not unusual.

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