Steroids and other news shockers

It seems that everyone is shocked that some of baseball’s biggest names were just implicated in the steroid scandal. Or at least that’s how the news stories were written - as if it were a stunning development.

In fact, most people were thinking, “Big surprise.”

I wish we reporters were allowed to say it that way in print.

A few months ago, I tried a column proposing such non-gullible, sarcastic lead sentences to real news stories.

Including:

“Construction has been stepped up on the fence along the Arizona-Mexico border, as if that’ll make a difference.”

I also suggested this one:

“Al-Qaida disagreed with something somebody said yesterday, so, astoundingly, they bombed some innocent people.”

Today, I thought I’d take another try at one some may call, “Duh, journalism.”

UWith the mortgage market in upheaval, oil at a historic high, the national debt in the trillions, consumer confidence waning and housing values declining for the third straight year, investment experts were miffed yesterday that the stock market went down again, and struggled in TV interviews to figure out a reason.

UAdding to the woes of studios facing a writers’ strike, Hollywood’s stars are now refusing to cross picket lines, surprising observers who had no idea actors were so politically liberal.

UAlthough a little freaked out that our Pakistani ally, President Gen. Pervez Musharraf, imposed emergency rule there in November in a borderline dictatorial move, Americans nevertheless look at all the nuts hiding Osama bin Laden there and figure maybe Musharraf isn’t so bad.

UMichael Vick was sent to prison last week, leaving analysts trying to understand why a superstar American celebrity, who was for years handed breaks the rest of us could never dream of, would somehow think he could get away with something.

UThe Israeli government was roundly condemned for cracking down on Gaza militants when all they did was fire a bunch of explosive rockets into Jewish neighborhoods.

UOddly, despite blatant evidence that global warming is accelerating, President George Bush recently rejected international greenhouse gas agreements, proving uncharacteristically stubborn in sticking to a contrary policy.

UIn an unexpected twist, no western teachers in Muslim countries have lately agreed to let their students give their Teddy Bears the name of Mohammed.

UThe Centers for Disease control announced a study revealing that 34 percent of Americans — 72 million people — are overweight, leaving most folks thinking: it’s got to be 100 million at least.

UA California wildfire destroyed luxury homes there last month for the first time since, well, a similar wildfire destroyed homes the month before, confounding officials who don’t understand why massive unregulated building patterns in tinderbox canyon areas should lead to such tragedies.

UUnexpectedly, a crowd of folks in Iran, where unemployment is soaring, were somehow able to find time in their busy day to go on a march shouting “Death to America,” and without crossing his fingers, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insisted his government didn’t put them up to it.

X Mark Patinkin is a columnist for The Providence Journal. Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service.