Here’s the write way to complain

Let’s face it. You’re busy. You’re stressed.

You’ve got a full-time job with four kids, a mortgage, a dog, a cat, an alligator, two cars and a bookie.

All those obligations make it difficult for you to find the time to read the newspaper every night, much less properly complain about the fact that we’ve had a lifelong bias against your school.

Trust me, I understand.

And I’m here to help.

With high school football season starting on Thursday, it’s more important than ever to make sure your voice is heard.

Easy to follow
complaint form

For the first time, we’re offering this template to help you complain more quickly and efficiently.

Simply circle the appropriate description on each line, cut the article out of the newspaper and mail it to our downtown offices.

Dear:

UVindicator sports department.

Uilliterate bedwetters.

Uimperialist swine.

Although I am writing to complain, I would like to note that I enjoyed last Sunday’s story on the nude jogging priest. It wasn’t the slightest bit weird or disturbing.

(Editor’s note: Not all comments in this letter will reflect your opinion.)

Anyway, I am:

Ua lifelong subscriber to your newspaper.

Ureading your newspaper online for free.

Ureceiving messages from the fillings in my teeth.

While reading my newspaper recently, I was astonished to see:

Umy son’s name misspelled for the second time in as many weeks.

Uour rival team on the front page for the 63rd straight day.

Ua story on a nude jogging priest.

As you might imagine, this made me pretty upset. Especially considering:

Uhow much coverage other newspapers gave our team.

Uour junior varsity team is 4-2!

UI just left a profanity-laced tirade about this very thing on your voice mail last week. Get with the program already, will you?

Now I’m not the type of person who gets worked up over every little thing.

And even though I was angry, I didn’t say anything when:

Uyou stopped putting the City Series All-Star pictures on the front pages of the Sunday sports section.

Uyou stopped putting the Steel Valley Conference All-Star pictures on the front page of the Sunday sports section.

Uyou started writing all those stories about all the murders in Youngstown. Every time I open the newspaper, I all I see is bad news. Can’t you find something good to write about? I hate the media.

Basically, I can’t take it anymore. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Even the warden said I seemed distracted.

Here’s some
helpful suggestions

Several of my friends have expressed similar concerns and a couple of them have even canceled their subscriptions and/or stopped stealing their neighbor’s newspaper in the morning.

Fortunately for you, I’m willing to give you another chance. However, I expect some changes down there.

Here’s a list of things you guys can do to make the paper better:

UCover every football game involving an area team.

UEven the ones two hours away.

UPick all the area games in your Thursday Pick ’Em section.

UWrite less about Mooney. They’re cheating recruiters.

UWrite more about Mooney. They’re not cheating recruiters.

UBring back Calvin & Hobbes.

UPrint a junior varsity football preview and put my son on the cover.

UQuit covering the Steelers. They’re not in Ohio.

UQuit listening to that “the Steelers aren’t in Ohio” argument. You don’t cover the Bengals, do you?

All complaints will be read by me or one of the editors.

And to prove we’re serious about changing, we promise to reply to every complaint, either by mail, phone or muttering under our breath.

All responses will arrive on the second Thursday of next week.

XJoe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.