KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Family needs to become involved in caregiving

Dear Annie: Five years ago, my mother-in-law moved in with us after my father-in-law died. Mom was capable and strong then, but over the last few years, she has lost her short-term memory and can no longer do much for herself. She's become very dependent on us. My husband works long hours, and he often has to leave work early to go with Mom to her doctors' appointments. Someone has to stay with her, because she can't remember what the doctor says. This is starting to become a strain.
Mom has four other kids, but the burden has fallen on us. Two daughters live in our city. One invites Mom for dinner about three times a year. The other daughter does absolutely nothing. The older son and his wife live only 30 minutes away, but they see Mom only a few times a year. The youngest sibling is so filled with self-pity that she cannot help anyone, and worse, she continually puts more strain on her 80-year-old mother.
The siblings all speak to Mom over the phone, but not one of them has ever asked us how things are going or offered to help. Of course, they would be the first to stick their noses in if we didn't do something right. How do we get them to see that Mom is slipping fast and we need their help? Left Holding the Bag in New York
Dear N.Y.: It often happens that one child takes on the major caregiving responsibilities, and unfortunately, you cannot force your husband's siblings to do more. He should ask them to pitch in, and give them concrete suggestions, such as a schedule where each sibling gets Mom one weekend a month, or which doctors' appointments So-and-So will handle. If they are unwilling to do this, ask if they will provide financial help so you can hire a nurse's aide or have Mom attend a senior day care program once or twice a week. You will need more help as Mom's situation changes, so it would be a good idea to work on this now.
Dear Annie: Just how far does a person have to go to right a wrong? The "wrong" was a squabble over a card game. We were equally at fault. I have apologized over and over, but the other person cannot forgive or forget. I've tried phoning her repeatedly, and she hangs up on me. I have also written.
More than a year has passed, and it makes me sad that she must be working hard at this grudge in order to continue to treat me the way she does. Why would she do this? Florida Fan
Florida Fan: Your ex-friend is nursing a grudge because it gives her satisfaction to do so. Some people like being victims because it makes them feel important. If she is happy to stay angry over something so trivial, the friendship is not worth grieving over any longer. You've done all you can.
Dear Annie: This is in response to "Sissy's Mom," whose son played with dolls.
My son was a great deal like hers. He played with his older sister's dolls and wheeled around a pink stroller, just like she did. Some of my husband's friends questioned this activity, and I admit I wondered myself, but we just let him be himself. He is now in college and a total "babe magnet." I believe this is because he knows and likes women and women recognize this in him. It all stems from his early close relationship with his sister. Thanks. What a Doll
Dear Doll: Thanks for the words of encouragement. We received hundreds of responses to this letter, and quite a few recommended the book "William's Doll," by Charlotte Zolotow, written in 1972. It's the story of a boy who wanted a doll. When his grandmother finally asked him why, the boy replied, "So I can learn to be a father." Amen to that.
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