To have and to withhold

This is a story about a guy named Denny and a girl named Nicole.
Denny grew up in Boardman, moved to Canfield in high school and became a terrific wrestler. He later graduated college, went to seminary and eventually went to medical school, living in places like Virginia, Iowa and California along the way.
He was happy. But he wasn't complete. And so, through the various stages of his life, he prayed for God to send him a beautiful, wonderful woman, so he could one day share his life with her. Start a family with her. Grow old with her.
After medical school, Denny spent a year in Youngstown, then moved to New York City, where he met Nicole. Nicole was from Canton, but moved to New York after college. They met, fell in love and, on a dinner cruise in Manhattan last summer, Denny got down on one knee and asked her to marry him.
She said yes, they made plans and, at some point (this is true), registered for a 161 gravy boat.
Saturday, in a church in Akron, they will share their vows and celebrate the biggest day of their lives in front of their family and closest friends. I will be a member of the wedding party. And when the pastor asks if anyone sees a reason these two people should not be joined together, I will step out, look the pastor straight in the eye and say, "I've got one. THEY GOT MARRIED ON DRAFT DAY! WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE PLANS ON A WEDDING ON THE SAME DAY AS THE NFL DRAFT?!!!"
Browns need helpwith NFL Draft
The answer: Selfish people who think the wedding should about "them" and not their groomsmen, some of whom have a legitimate medical need to watch the NFL Draft. Particularly on a year when the Browns are drafting third and really need this groomsman in front of a television, sending high-energy focus rays through the screen, doing everything he can to help GM Phil Savage draft Wisconsin tackle Joe Thomas.
Instead, I will be pretending to smile while a photographer in a bad tux forces me to stand next to other members of the bridal party even though it has been scientifically proven that no one notices groomsmen, no matter if they're in pictures, watching the ceremony or dancing at the reception with a bunch bowl on their heads. In fact, groomsmen are often mistaken for trees. This is why marriage experts often discourage taking wedding photos outdoors.
This isn't just hurting me, of course. It's also likely to hurt the Browns. I mean, without my focus rays, Savage could do something really stupid, like trade away the pick for a bag of magic beans. Or draft Brady Quinn.
Draft-day vowsa bad idea
According to a recent governmental study, 93 percent of the couples who get married on NFL draft day eventually file for divorce or become victims of random maimings, generally by flying rolling pins or rabid giraffes "accidentally" let loose in the house while the husband is watching ESPN.
(OK, 93 percent may be on the high side. Let's say 91 percent.)
(Also, due to prohibitive shipping costs and/or narrow-minded zoo owners, it's very difficult to obtain rabid giraffes. Most marriage experts recommend rabid beavers instead.)
By contrast, my wedding date is in July -- one of the slowest sports months of the year. The fact that I was not consulted about the wedding date, or any other aspect of the wedding plans (including a stupid day-after brunch my fiancee wants to have with family members and out-of-town wedding guests, which I maintain is unnecessary and creepy) is irrelevant.
(And don't even get me started on the pink invitations.)
Because I care about my friend, and because I've already paid for my rented tux, I would never consider asking out of the bridal party. But in the future, I beg of all young couples reading this: Do not schedule your wedding on the same day as a major sporting event.
And if I happen to suffer any rolling pin-related head injures after my fiancee reads this, do me a favor -- return my tux.
I might still be able to get my deposit money back.
Joe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.