Pushing away what he needs the most

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been together 20 years. The first 10, we did not have children, and during that time, the sex was both great and plentiful. Since having kids, the sex is still great, but only for a brief time every couple of weeks. The rest of the time, there is either something more important going on, the need for sleep is greater, or there's a lack of enthusiasm that limits satisfaction.
I've tried extra romancing, biting comments and frank discussion, but nothing seems to have much effect on the pattern. I try so hard to be circumspect, to remember the long years of the good times and to appreciate the times that still come, but the nearly 10 years of feeling shorted have taken their toll. My wife still wants to be affectionate, but the harsh reality is that I no longer want to touch a beautiful woman when I will almost certainly be going to bed with bitter thoughts about unmet needs. And so I wind up pushing away the little we have left of what I most need.
We still love each other on many levels and are good partners at running the home, but our deeply eroded intimacy is bound to impact other parts of our relationship at some point.
The effect of men's overactive libidos on relationships has been thoroughly discussed. But is it really all our fault? Couldn't women make some extra effort to keep a good fire going? Unlucky in Kentucky
Dear Unlucky: Well, yes, of course, but it sounds as if you are making it impossible. Women's libidos are turned on by men who make them feel loved. That means the cuddling you resent is crucial to her desire. When you cannot be affectionate without sex, it makes her feel like an object. Not to mention, childbirth and childrearing can put a huge damper on even the strongest libidos. You sound totally focused on your own needs and oblivious to your wife's. Ask her to see her doctor for a complete checkup, and then both of you should get some counseling. You each need to relearn what makes the other happy.
Dear Annie: Last month, my husband and I invited some friends for dinner. They brought a bottle of wine, and we served it with the meal. However, when these friends were leaving, they took the remainder of the bottle with them. Am I supposed to open the wine, or can I save it for another time? Tell me what to do, because they are coming over for dinner again. Thirsty in Oregon
Dear Oregon: The wine belongs to you whether or not you open it. While it is nice to serve the bottle with dinner, you are not obligated to do so. Thank your friends nicely and mention that you are looking forward to opening it at a later date.
Dear Annie: I was married for 14 years to a professional man with a well-paying job. We had a nice home in a middle-class neighborhood, and I was a stay-at-home mom taking care of three children, one with special needs.
Eight months ago, my husband began an affair and started drinking heavily. After a physical altercation with one of our children, he was forced to live elsewhere by the court system. His paychecks were almost totally consumed by attorney's fees, and very little was left to help support us. I had to apply for government assistance to feed my children.
I've lived in this community for 10 years. I am tired of the looks I get from others when they see me use my food stamp card. I am asking your readers to please think twice before judging those who are on some kind of government assistance. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone. Keeping It Together in Michigan
Dear Michigan: None of us knows when the bottom might fall out. We hope our readers will remember not to judge others until they have walked in their shoes.
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