Love can conquer 'Ann Doe'

Dear Annie: My husband, "John," and I have been married for over 20 years, and together raised three wonderful children.
I always thought John was deeply in love with me, but five months ago, I accidentally opened a business letter that came to our home addressed to him. It stated that he may be responsible for child support for an "Ann Doe." John insisted it was a mistake. He called the number on the letter and was told he may need to take a paternity test.
Two days later, John sat me down and admitted that 18 years ago, when I was vacationing with our children, he went out with friends, got drunk and had sex with another woman. He said he regretted the incident so much he thought it best forgotten. He swore he never cheated on me again.
That was three months ago, and I am still speechless and numb. My heart is breaking. John moved into my in-laws' apartment because I could not be near him. He sent text messages four or five times a day, apologizing for hurting me and ruining our lives. He left messages on my voicemail, distraught over what he did, telling me he loves me and begging for forgiveness.
I cried a lot and really tortured myself. I always believed "once a cheater, always a cheater." I couldn't understand women who stayed with their husbands after an affair. If I forgive him, what kind of example am I setting for my daughter? That it's OK if her husband cheats on her? That it's OK because it happened years ago? Is there an unfaithful guidebook?
What am I going to do if the paternity test is positive? John says he wants no contact with Ann Doe other than fulfilling his financial obligations, but I am thinking of that child. She probably wants more.
John has moved back into the main house, but I can tell he is scared. I do say that I love him. I am sure of that. But does love conquer all? Restless
Dear Restless: No, but it can conquer this. John sounds truly remorseful, and if you believe he's been faithful since, there's no reason to think he would cheat again. You would be teaching your daughter about forgiveness and healing, and possibly about how to open her heart to accept a new sister. Please get some counseling so you can learn how to do it.
Dear Annie: Our son married a girl from out of town. His sisters and I hosted a shower and reception for them. Our friends and my son's friends attended and brought gifts or checks.
I would like to know the amount of these checks. When my friends' children marry, I would like to give a similar amount. Am I being nosy? P.N.
Dear P.N.: Yes. We understand your reasoning, but a wedding gift should not be remuneration for a previous gift. If one of your friends' children should marry, you can then ask your son if they were particularly generous, as you would like to reciprocate. Other than that, however, the information belongs to them.
Dear Annie: I was quite disturbed by the letter from "Unappreciated in the Ministry," who complained about not being paid for performing services.
There is no commandment that says, "Thou shalt tip the priest." He needs to focus more on what he is receiving from the job and less on what he is not. He is being rewarded spiritually. If he wants bigger tips, he should become a waiter. The Reason I No Longer Attend in Janesville, Wis.
Dear Janesville: It's hard to survive on spiritual rewards alone, and it's unfair to expect clergy and their families to live in poverty. These aren't "tips." When a clergyperson performs a service, he or she deserves to be paid, just like anyone else.
E-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.
Creators Syndicate
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