Adult daughter has to make her own mistakes
Dear Annie: My daughter "Tess" has been in a five-month relationship with "Thad," who lives in another city. They already have had at least three big fights where they've broken up and gotten back together. The most recent occurred last weekend. While having a heated argument, Thad broke her living room window. They ended up in a scuffle at the front door before he left. Needless to say, Tess was shocked to the core. She never expected anything like that from him.
The problem is that Thad keeps calling her and apologizing. He's told her that he bought a ring and is about to make the last payment, blah, blah, blah -- the same old song and dance. I know she'll end up getting back with him. Tess was in a similar relationship with another man when she was 18, and they split up at least 20 times before it finally ended. She was left with twins.
Tess' father and I divorced when she was 6. She's now 26, and I don't want her to waste years on the same type of man. She tells me she has a real connection with Thad, but I believe her low self-esteem is getting in the way, and I think counseling might do her good. Any advice? Mom in Texas
Dear Mom: Yes, but you may not be satisfied with it. Tess is an adult, and she's going to have to make her own mistakes, no matter how costly. All you can do is be a source of support. Counseling might help, and you should recommend it, but Tess has to be willing to go. Perhaps if you present it as a way of learning why she falls into the same volatile relationships over and over, she may be receptive. Also keep the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline handy: (800) 799-SAFE or (800) 799-7233.
Dear Annie: My friend, "Kim," and I used to hang out all the time, but a new, snobbish girl is now at our school, and Kim has left me to fend for myself.
The main thing that bothers me is that Kim and her new friend, "Leeza," hang out all the time, and Leeza hates me. She picks on me and has said that she will try her best to make my life miserable. She isn't succeeding, but what really hurts is that when she teases me, Kim backs her up.
Kim is only friendly to me when Leeza isn't around. I don't get how she could hate my guts one day and be nice the next. We rarely talk now, and when I try to be friendly, like saying I like her shirt, she becomes a little snobbish, too.
I don't like Leeza, and I'm not so sure about Kim anymore. Every day we drift further and further apart. Should I just let this happen or try hard to stay friends? Clueless Eighth-Grader
Dear Clueless: It's time to move on. Kim may someday decide that she values you more than Leeza, but it will take a lot more maturity on her part. Get involved in other activities, in and out of school, where you can make new friends -- the genuine types who will stick with you through thick and thin. You sound like a smart girl with a good head on your shoulders, and you deserve friends who appreciate you.
Dear Annie: I saw the letter from "Not Knowing in Illinois," who asked how to identify her child's ethnic background on registrations or applications.
Jef Mallett had another solution in his comic strip, "Frazz." A multiracial child complained to Frazz that he didn't like the race question on a form because he was of mixed race. Frazz told the kid that when asked that question, he always put down "Callipygian."
I did that myself in an application to a government agency and I got the position. "Callipygian" means having a shapely bottom. Burbank, Calif.
Dear Burbank: You can learn something from comics. One of the first uses of "callipygian," by the way, was by Thomas Pynchon in his book "Gravity's Rainbow." We think unusual words are worth learning. Impress your friends.
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