Husband spends time with Internet porn
Dear Annie: I have been married for 32 years, and lately, my 62-year-old husband has been on the Internet every morning looking at porn sites. He falls asleep on the couch, gets up at 5 a.m., and then goes back to the porn sites.
About two years ago, "Frank" had prostatitis, which is now under control. At around that time, we ceased having sex. Frank claimed he was too tired, overworked, etc. He then brought our shedding, hairy yellow Labrador retriever into bed with us. Needless to say, between Frank's snoring, the dog's snoring and all the dog hairs on my pillow, I no longer get a good night's sleep.
I have not confronted Frank about this and don't know what to do. I'm angry, sad and feel betrayed. Frank is a successful, well-known business executive in our area, and I have no one to talk to about this problem. He no longer provides conversation in the evening (he is sleeping), and lately, I've noticed that he has started to devote all his spare time to the dog. Suddenly, for the first time in our marriage, he is snapping at me and belittling me for minor things.
I'm very afraid Frank is going to let this porn thing get out of hand. I don't think he's contacted any people online yet, but it seems the logical next step. I also have developed anxiety attacks. I become shaky and have trouble breathing when I drive, even on short trips. What can I do about all this? Bewildered in Illinois
Dear Bewildered: Marriage is a partnership, and Frank seems to have a separate business going. He may fear he has erectile dysfunction problems, and the porn and the dog are simply ways to avoid being intimate. It's time to speak up. Frank should discuss this with his doctor, and you should ask him to go with you for counseling. A counselor also should be able to help you with your anxiety attacks. And for heaven's sake, get the dog out of your bed. Tell Frank it's nonnegotiable.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He has two adult children from a previous marriage. The son is in and out of jail, and the daughter has three out-of-wedlock children and is on food stamps.
My problem is, these kids are always dropping by for money. We don't mind giving them gifts once in a while, but this happens two or three times a week. The 5-year-old has learned to stomp her foot and demand money from her grandfather.
My husband is retired, and we are on a fixed income. We cannot support all these people. He also has some health issues, but not once have these kids bothered to call and ask how he's doing. I think my husband should stop giving them money before it gets totally out of hand. What do you say? Tennessee Wife
Dear Wife: It's already totally out of hand. Your husband is foolish to let his daughter and grandchildren take advantage of him. They are not grateful, nor are they learning anything about earning a living, except that they don't have to. Can you set up a separate account that will cover your basic expenses, leaving a smaller account for Hubby to do with as he wishes? He may be relieved to let you set limits.
Dear Annie: A few months ago, you ran a couple of responses to a woman who asked for books to help her with her young daughter's entry into puberty.
Our local YWCA provides a four-week program titled "Growing Together." The first week is just for the mothers. The remaining weeks are for mothers and their young daughters together.
I gain such great information from your column, I thought I would return the favor. S.P., Los Angeles
Dear S.P.: Thank you for reminding us what a wonderful resource the YWCA is for young women. We hope our interested readers will check with their local YWCA and ask if this program is available in their area.
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