What if Greenspan teamed up with Dr. Phil?

By KEVIN HORRIGAN
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
"Penguin Press ... said Tuesday that it won a bidding war to publish the memoirs of former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan. ... Greenspan has pledged to write an accessible book for a general audience, Penguin representatives said. ... The as-yet-unwritten manuscript will be produced with the help of another writer and published next year."
Los Angeles Times, March 8
What might happen if the former Fed chairman teamed up with these famous authors to write his memoirs?
Dr. Phil
"Love $pan!" by Alan Greenspan (with Dr. Phil McGraw)
You have to be able to decide that you will be OK, even if you never find that special someone you are looking for. You must embrace the character of you and tell him that the Labor Department's survey of payrolls is a more accurate gauge of the employment situation than the more optimistic household survey.
Cuddle up, wear something sexy and tell him that the household survey overestimates immigration growth, which skews the multiplier for overall job growth when statisticians apply the survey to the entire country.
Kiss him gently on the ear and whisper, "It is apparent that a goodly part of the problem is that the household employment has been overestimated largely because of what we perceive to be an overestimate of population."
The code
"The Da Vinci Fed" by Alan Greenspan (with Dan Brown)
At dawn on the 13th, the documents were unsealed and their appalling contents revealed. Greenspan's letter claimed that God had visited him in a vision and warned him that the Knights Templar had built large short positions in long-term debt instruments in anticipation of the increase in bond yields that has been historically associated with a rising federal funds rate.
They were heretics guilty of devil worship, homosexuality, defiling the cross, sodomy and other blasphemous behavior, including irrational exuberance.
Pope Alan had been asked by God to cleanse the earth by rounding up all the Knights Templar and torturing them until they confessed to the sin of interest-only loans, as well as the introduction of other relatively exotic forms of adjustable-rate mortgages.
A bodice-ripper
"Passion on Discount" by Alan Greenspan (with Lisa Valdez)
Passion Elizabeth Dare craved the shadows of the cool marble pillars outside the Joint Economic Committee hearing room. The voluptuous widow had taken a job on the committee staff to forget the tragic death of Brock Dare as they explored new heights of carnality on the slopes of Everest.
Passion again felt guilty that her ecstatic cries had triggered the avalanche that buried Brock and their Sherpa bearers. As she brushed her mane of auburn hair and reapplied her lipstick, she thought that though Sherpas could be replaced, there would never be another Brock Dare.
Just then she saw him: the chairman, his virility belying his years, his sonorous voice awakening urges she thought had been buried forever on that Nepalese slope.
He approached her boldly and said, "Evidence of increased pricing power can be gleaned from the profit margins of non-financial businesses, which have continued to press higher even outside the energy sector."
"Take me," Passion moaned.
For the younger set
"Greenspan and Ham" by Alan Greenspan (with Dr. Seuss)
Do you like Greenspan and ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.
I do not like Greenspan and ham.
Try them, try them, lose your fears.
He hung around for 18 years.
Try the guy who ran the Fed.
Would you like him if he were red?
A Greenspan that is red you say?
I don't like Greenspans either way.
Greenspan, Redspan, C-SPAN, no!
I do not like them. Just go, go, go!
Green dawn rising
"The Sum of all Sums" by Alan Greenspan (with Tom Clancy)
"Rate?"
"Six points, sir. Maneuvering says the shaft bearings are pretty bad, sir."
"If we try any more ..." Bush frowned.
The chairman nodded. "The whole thing comes apart. I think it's about time for some countermeasures."
"Do it."
"Policy board, launch a spread." The chairman turned back. "We're not going fast enough to make a turn very useful."
"I figure it's about even money."
"Could be worse," the XO said, staring at the sonar scope.
"X, the danger is over. While these unfortunate developments have increased uncertainty about near-term economic performance, it is the Committee's view that they do not pose a more persistent threat," the chairman said.
"Wow, skipper. Who would have known?
"Thanks, X."
"The new rate is now active, ping-and-listen mode, bearing one-six-zero."
Kevin Horrigan is a columnist for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services.