GOP must weather hurricane issue

By MIKE ARMSTRONG
SPECIAL TO THE LOS ANGELES TIMES
Former President Clinton predicted last week that Republican environmental policies are going to lead to more hurricanes.
Wow. This isn't something we should take lightly. The ex-president knows people. He's connected. He doesn't just pop off about critical issues without the kind of information at his fingertips unavailable to mere mortals. When he tells us that Republicans are going to cause hurricanes, it should be a wake-up call, at least in the Southeastern United States.
You're going to hear a lot of scuttlebutt about "those darn Republicans and their hurricanes" over the next few days. I, for one, plan on avoiding my barbershop altogether until this whole thing blows over (pun intended).
But let's face it, talk is cheap. What are we going to do about it?
One idea would be to simply put a Democrat in the Oval Office. But wait. What if the Republicans still control Congress? Are you telling me that the president is going to veto a hurricane? Hard to imagine. And if it's rolled into some entitlement legislation, he might not even try. Don't put it past those sneaky Republicans.
Long shot
We could try to get control of Congress and the White House, but that's a long shot. If we fail, those Republicans are going to be even angrier, and then we might be looking at earthquakes and pestilence. No, that's a cage I'm not willing to rattle.
There must be something in the Constitution preventing either political party from causing hurricanes. Let me check. I'll be right back ...
No, nothing in the Constitution, which is surprising because treason and impeachment and all sorts of other awful things are covered. Everything except hurricanes. Wait just a minute! What am I thinking? They didn't have hurricanes back then! How could they? There weren't any power plants or gas guzzlers. How embarrassing for me.
Here's a frightening thought: If the Republicans can cause hurricanes, perhaps they can prevent them too. We all know that Karl Rove is pretty formidable. Pit him against any Category 4 hurricane and the hurricane is only favored 6-5. (Those odds come directly from an oddsmaker at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Incidentally, the Riviera will give you even money.)
In the end, let's just hope cooler heads prevail. I have to believe that the last thing George W. Bush wants is to have people clinging to trees and light poles above rising waters, blaming the whole darn thing on him. His poll numbers are low enough as it is.
Armstrong writes screenplays and television scripts in Los Angeles.