Commitment phobia

Local singles dished the dirt on commitment issues and dating.
By SARAH POULTON
VINDICATOR STAFF WRITER
YOUNGSTOWN -- "I love my girlfriend, but she's never going to hear those words," J. Rudolph said.
Rudolph, 21, of Youngstown, claimed that he will never get involved with a serious relationship because of bad experiences with women. Every time Rudolph used "The Big Three" -- I love you -- to tell a woman how he felt, the relationship seemed to dissolve.
Rudolph's condition is so heavily rooted in the dating world today that Ian Kerner, author of "DSI: Date Scene Investigation," has come up with a name for it: the fear of commitment compounded by underlying pressures.
Kerner knows dating miscreants. And he has terms for all of them. People who have been diagnosed with the condition may have to undergo a series of commitment-repellant assessment placement (CRAP) testing to determine how bad off the individual is in terms of commitment phobia.
The author offered an array of topics in his book, all of which have some link to a fear of commitment.
Kerner wrote that commitment phobia is usually brought on by childhood loss or trauma. To avoid future pain, people will distance themselves from partners in an effort to remain in control of the relationship, Kerner said.
Survey says
A survey of Mahoning Valley locals -- and people just visiting -- seems to bear out Kerner's contentions.
Evan Hudson, 21, from Youngstown, said that men have traditionally been labeled as players, someone who views relationships as nothing more than a game. When both people aren't committed, the relationship is bound to fail, Hudson said.
"Commitment is a big word," Hudson said. "It's not the same as it was when my grandparents met. If you want to commit to someone, you have to truly know who that person is and be prepared to be in it for the long haul."
While Hudson was busy blaming the women, Bethany Rogers, 21, of Jackson, Miss., said that it's men, not women, who have a fear of commitment.
"When men see something they like better, they bail," Rogers said. "Men get scared when we tell them how we feel. They automatically assume we want to get married."
Shaniece Gomaz, 19, of Poland agreed with Rogers, but also put some of the blame on herself.
"They can't commit," Gomaz said. "But I do hook up with losers."
Gomaz continued to hang out with a guy even though he was always too busy with his friends, drinking and his ex-girlfriends.
Joe Iesue, 20, of Erie, Pa., was familiar with Gomaz's dilemma, but feels it usually happens when someone in the relationship is trying to be something they're not.
"The words, 'can't commit' are code for 'don't trust,'" Iesue said. "Instead of facing the problem, some people just run away. They either see the relationship as a game, or they have a deeper problem with trust."
Hudson agreed with Iesue, bringing up the point that the trust factor today is shaky.
"I don't want to cross the street in traffic," Hudson said. "I'm not the type to share my feelings."
Emily Maki, 19, of Vienna has been in relationships before and has never had a commitment problem, unless you count too much commitment as being a problem.
"I would like it if I could just date a guy one time and not be tied down," Maki said.
Jesse DeJacimo, 23, of Allen has lived the life that Maki dreams about. It's hard to change, but DeJacimo did it and has been involved with the same woman for more than two years, DeJacimo said.
"I think you learn a little something from everyone," DeJacimo said. You build knowledge from past relationships. When you meet that special person, you both take your knowledge from before and the relationship clicks."
Breakups
According to Kerner, when commitment gets to be too much for a person to handle, there is a good possibility that the person may disappear.
People can vanish for many reasons, but many of them do it as an "easy way" of ending a relationship, Gomaz said.
"I used to see this guy all the time," Gomaz said. "Then one day, I just stopped calling him. That's just the way I do it because I don't want to be with them."
Allen's boyfriend is no longer with her emotionally, but her fear of being alone has forced her to stay with him, Allen said.
"We're just there in body, but I can't break up with him," Allen said.
When Rogers has had to break up with a man, she was honest with them and she moves on instead of taking the easy way out and disappearing, Rogers said.
Familiar lines
"'It's not working out' is my favorite break-up line," Rogers said.
Maki agreed, but while she was wishing for casual dating, she found that it wasn't as much fun as she originally thought.
"I heard from this guy a lot in the beginning, but he hasn't called me since we went out last week," Maki said.
"He's only in town for one month this summer, so I knew it wouldn't be anything serious, but I thought we liked each other enough to continue talking."
"I like to let guys know what's going on," Maki said. "I've been calling that guy, and he hasn't returned any of my calls. I think that's rude."
Although he is in a committed relationship now, DeJacimo has been on both ends of the disappearing spectrum.
"Girls have disappeared on me, and I have disappeared on them," DeJacimo said. "Sometimes, you just lose interest in a relationship and it's the best way out."
Kerner's book suggests ways to remedy bad situations, but does not explain any preventative measures that can be taken to ensure a happy relationship. But do you really need a book to tell you how to have a successful relationship, or are the answers stored somewhere inside your heart?
"A relationship is a two-way street," Hudson said. "If my girl needs something, I'll be there for her. It's built on trust and stability."
Maybe if there were more people like Hudson, Kerner would have had to write a different book.
spoulton@vindy.com