Guest lists for encore weddings often complicated

There is no clear-cut way to ensure minimal tension on the big day.
By JoANN KLIMKIEWICZ
WASHINGTON POST
As if the dreaded task of compiling the guest list for a wedding weren't unpleasant enough; as if there weren't enough pre-nuptial angst over whether to invite this cousin or that co-worker.
Now, with second, even third marriages so common, some couples are faced with this predicament: Should I invite the ex? And sure as they struggle with the question, so do those ex-spouses, pens hovering over response cards: Will Attend or Will Not?
It's an awkward reality, given that between 40 percent and 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, according to the National Marriage Project, and that about 40 percent of all weddings are so-called encore marriages, according to industry figures.
If they're not fretting over inclusion of an ex-spouse on the invite list, many couples do wrestle with how best to handle their own divorced parents and ensure minimal tension on their big day.
But unlike the more obvious questions of wedding protocol, when it comes to these sticky situations, the etiquette isn't always clear cut. Which is where professionals such as Traci Romano come in. Aside from careful orchestration of the wedding day's every moment, checking that each table setting is exquisite and every flower arrangement just so, the Westport, Conn., wedding planner increasingly finds herself navigating these potential minefields.
Worth considering
What's the relationship between the ex-spouses? Are children involved? How chilly are things between divorced parents?
"Every situation is different," says Romano, founder of the Romano Group Event Planning and Design. "We tell (clients) that it's really their wedding day. Even if it is a second marriage, they want it to be the best day it can be. If it's going to create conflict or tension, it's best not to invite them."
The question of whether to invite an ex-spouse isn't a frequent one, Romano says. But it does surface. Usually the relationship between the exes is often clear enough for couples to know whether or not to include them. She's had clients who wouldn't think of inviting an ex and those whose first spouses remain important in their lives.
But when relations are a little muddier, when children are a consideration, the question is more complex. And blunt conversations and clear communication is the best approach, Romano said.
"It's going to be an awkward conversation, but it needs to be had," she says. How would inviting an ex make the other half of the couple feel? How might it make guests feel? Would it serve to make it easier on children, or more confusing?
Together again
In terms of the latter, Romano suspects it might be best to keep the family unit intact.
"There's this sense of, 'OK, my family is still together. Even though my mother is remarrying someone else, my father is still here,'" says Romano.
Still, says Romano, there's no playbook for such matters.
"I'd be interested to know what Emily Post would have to say about it," Romano said.
Answer: Don't do it. Don't invite the exes, recommends Peggy Post, great-granddaughter-in-law of the etiquette expert.
"It's a guideline, not a hard and fast rule," says Post, of the Emily Post Institute, in Burlington, Vt., and author of the fifth edition of "Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette." (Collins, $27.95).
"But generally, it makes people uncomfortable. And that's the general rule of thumb," Post said. "What's considerate? What's respectful? And what's going to make the most people feel comfortable? There's no perfect answer here."
Post thinks it could be confusing for children. "It could be emotional for them to have the other parent there."
What about the exes on the receiving end of these invites? Should they really consider attending?
Comfort is important
Both experts agree the invitation wouldn't have been extended if the couple wasn't sincere. Knowing that, they say, accept it only if you'd feel comfortable in the situation.
More common in the rocky wedding day terrain, say Post and Romano, is how to handle divorced parents, especially if relations remain tense.
Again, Romano says it comes down to communication. She mediates conversations between family members on their level of involvement, on financial contributions and even seating.
"People really have to trust their own judgment," Peggy Post said.
"Really, everything is situational. As long as there is consideration and respect and honesty ... it might work and it might just be OK."