KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Relationship is causing family trouble

Dear Annie: I'm in the eighth grade and have a friend, "Tina," who is black. Tina's boyfriend, "David," is white.
One day, when they were on the phone, David asked Tina to hold on for a minute. Tina could hear David's stepdad in the background, saying, "You're not going to date a black girl!"
Tina is really upset and doesn't know what to do. She confided in me but hasn't told David what she heard, and now she is really afraid of going to his house. She was wondering if she should ask David if they just want to be friends because of his stepdad, and I thought maybe you could help. Any advice? Concerned Friend
Dear Friend: There's not much Tina can do about someone who is racist or bigoted. The important thing is how David feels, and apparently, it's not a problem for him. Tina is rather young to be involved in a relationship that will produce conflict and anxiety. Even adults find those difficult. She should talk to David about it, telling him she has the impression his father disapproves of their relationship and that perhaps a friendship would be better.
Dear Annie: As a teenager, my daughter always dressed in an appropriate manner. Now that she is married, she walks around in clothing that shows a great deal of cleavage.
As parents, it is difficult for us not to voice our opinion. My husband feels it is no longer our place to say anything. But as a caring mother, how can I express my concerns? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I know her attire offends most people. Still Her Mom
Dear Mom: If your daughter's husband has no objection to her decolletage, nothing you say will make a dent, and critiquing her attire may cause some resentment. Unless she asks for your thoughts on the subject, bite your tongue.
Dear Annie: I have a 4-year-old daughter who is sweet, kind, helpful and very bright. She also has a "mixed expressive/receptive language delay," meaning she is behind in her ability to speak and in her understanding of language. We used to call it being a "late talker." We took her to the leading expert for an evaluation, and her vocabulary has grown from 60 words to well over 1,000, and is growing every day.
My problem is relatives, friends and total strangers who feel the need to point out that my daughter doesn't speak so well (as if I hadn't noticed), and that I should get her diagnosed for autism. She is not autistic.
No one knows more about my daughter than I do. I tell friends and relatives to get down on the floor and let my daughter direct the interaction. If they will stop talking long enough and observe, they will see that she is creative and bright, and they will also hear a great deal of language and communication. To the total strangers who have called my daughter everything from autistic to stupid, you need to keep your mouths closed and notice that my daughter is the one who is happy and helpful, while other kids her age are throwing tantrums and screaming.
I have the most beautiful daughter -- she is so smart and so much fun, and I am so blessed to have her. The rest of the world needs to know about language delays and that it has nothing to do with IQ. Thanks for letting me borrow your podium. Mommy-Bear
Dear Mommy-Bear: Most people do not intend to be insulting, but sometimes their mouths open before their brains kick into gear. It is never appropriate to make public judgments about other people's children. We hope you have educated some readers today.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.
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