Insecurity may cause indecision

Dear Annie: I am at the end of my rope. My husband will not commit himself to anything, and I mean anything. I cannot even get a "yes" or "no" out of him. He usually says "maybe." When I ask him to be precise, he gets mad and clams up or accuses me of nagging him. He is so afraid of any confrontation that he would rather lie than be the "bad guy."
This has been going on for years, but lately, it has gotten worse. We recently had some construction done on our home and had a problem with some of the work. My husband refused to call the supervisor, and he wouldn't talk to the man when he came to the house. I finally had to do it myself.
Other people have noticed his inability to take a stand and have commented on it. Don't suggest counseling. I know he would refuse. I had counseling 15 years ago and begged him to come with me. He did, once, and just sat in the chair. He would only respond when the therapist asked him a direct question. The therapist even had to tell him to hug me when I broke down and cried. What can I do? Lost in Indiana
Dear Indiana: Obviously, decisions are so stressful for your husband that he becomes paralyzed with uncertainty and chooses instead to do nothing. We suspect this behavior is rooted in his childhood, and although therapy would probably be very beneficial to him, you cannot force him to go.
Can you discuss this without accusing him? Perhaps he might consider treatment if you ask him if this behavior makes him unhappy, explaining that therapy can help him work on it. If not, we suggest you either accept this part of his personality and work around it, or go back to your counselor on your own for help deciding the best way to deal with the problem.
Dear Annie: I am in my early 30s and married to a man in the business world, and it requires that we often attend company cocktail parties. My husband will have a drink or two at each function, but I choose to drink diet soda.
How do I handle the adult peer pressure to drink liquor? I don't mind if others are drinking, but I'm sick of the questions regarding why I am not. If one more person asks me if I'm avoiding alcohol because I "have a bun in the oven," I am going to slug them. Any suggestions? Sober by Choice in Montana
Dear Sober: Some people who drink like to see you with alcohol in your hand because it means you aren't judging them. You can avoid the questions by drinking soda water, ginger ale, etc., so they can't tell the difference, or you can simply smile politely and reply, "I'm the designated driver."
Dear Annie: This is in response to "California," whose wife, "Melinda," attended an out-of-state conference and did not tell him about dancing with some army officers on the last night. You told this man that he was "not wrong" to feel outraged at her deception. He was even thinking of leaving her. Are you kidding? Maybe his extreme overreaction was the reason she didn't tell him.
She went dancing. So what? You said Melinda's behavior showed poor judgment and a lack of respect. I think it showed a new mother who is married to a hostile and insecure man. She owes him no apologies. Kentucky Girl
Dear Kentucky: A "girls' night out" is fine, but husbands are supposed to know about it. It's the lying and denying that get you in trouble. Hubby didn't sound hostile and insecure, he seemed surprised, hurt and uncertain. We agree that leaving her would have been extreme, but trust is a fragile thing, and treating it in a cavalier manner undermines a spouse's faith in his partner. Put the shoe on the other foot and tell us it wouldn't cause a little quiver if you discovered your husband went dancing with other women. Until 4 a.m. In another city. And didn't tell you.
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