Annie's Mailbox 'Kerri' may be grieving

Dear Annie: I read your column religiously, and now I finally have a reason to write.
My wife's sister, "Susan," passed away several months ago. Susan was a nice, sweet person who left behind two adorable daughters -- "Kerri," a professionally employed young adult, and "Lainie," who is in high school. I am fond of both of them. Kerri has taken custody of her younger sister, and they are doing quite well financially. Emotionally, I'm not so sure.
My wife and her sister were like best friends. In fact, my wife took care of Kerri for many years when Susan worked evening-shift jobs. Kerri was an integral part of our family, and we treated her the same as our children. However, since Susan's death, Kerri and my wife do not get along at all. It started right after the funeral, and now Kerri has become cold, distant and hurtful to my wife. Kerri also has alienated many other family members as well.
To make matters worse, Susan, on her deathbed, asked me to watch over Kerri. I want to abide by Susan's wishes but am finding it very difficult when my wife and niece hate each other. I've tried talking to my wife and asking her to forgive the hurt, but she will not budge. I am afraid to talk to Kerri because I don't want to risk alienating her and cutting off all ties.
I know my wife has done nothing wrong, but I don't want to abandon Kerri or Lainie (who gets along with everyone). At the rate she's going, Kerri will soon push all her family away. What should I do? Between a Rock and a Hard Place
Dear Rock: We think Kerri is overwhelmed with grief for her mother and responsibility for her sister. She eventually will come to grips with it, but perhaps too late. And don't forget that your wife also is grieving.
Sometimes we don't recognize when we are not functioning properly, and major loss takes a long time to work through. Stay close to Kerri, and recommend that she look into grief counseling for herself and Lainie (her doctor, United Way or the YWCA can refer her), and your wife should consider it as well.
Dear Annie: I think you missed the point in your response to "Part of a Couple." If I had a son who had chosen to live in a homosexual relationship, I would send a Christmas card addressed just to him and not his partner. It wouldn't be done out of rudeness. I just happen to morally disagree with the homosexual lifestyle.
People have the right to choose how they will live and with whom. However, they don't get to choose if others will accept it or not. Redlands, Calif.
Dear Redlands: We hope that's not the case for "Part." There is a difference between acceptance and approval. Parents should accept what their child is and deal with it, even if they don't like it. Pretending otherwise is pointless and hurtful.
Dear Annie: I am writing in response to all the kerfuffle in your column about women who object to men staring at their breasts while conversing with them. I agree it's a rude and reprehensible habit, but there may be something else going on.
I am only in my late 40s, but I am quite deaf. (Turns out Mom was right about all that loud music.) Since I tire of endlessly asking "What?" I have learned to read lips. This means that many times during conversations, my eyes dip lower than eye contact. I have had more than one woman reproach me for staring at her breasts.
To this I generally reply, "I'm sorry, I was reading your lips because I am so deaf. Did you complain I was 'snaring your breaths' or 'bearing your stress'?" They usually get the point. Kailua Kona, Hawaii
Dear Kailua Kona: How can we resist a letter that uses the word "kerfuffle"? Thanks for pointing out an interesting exception to a pervasive problem.
XE-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@com-cast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox™, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.
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