KATHY MITCHELL AND MARCY SUGAR \ Annie's Mailbox Hearts go out to wounded veterans in hospitals
Dear Readers: Happy Valentine's Day to all, especially to our veterans in VA hospitals around the country. And a special thanks to those readers who have taken the time to visit the vets and send valentines. It means so much to them.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married over 20 years, and we have four wonderful children ranging in age from elementary school to college. Although my husband is a very good provider, I have felt lonely and rejected by this cold, rather controlling man. He now says there are only four reasons he is still with me -- our children.
Years of counseling have been unsuccessful, and I have been told to think of him as emotionally handicapped if I choose to stay in this marriage. Financially, I am better off with him, but my heart and soul are withering away. Our children love us both, but isn't staying in an unhappy marriage just as bad as divorce?
My husband will not consider letting bygones be bygones, but rather embraces all the negative things that have occurred in our relationship. Is there no hope? How Long Do I Try?
Dear How Long: Generally, an unhappily married couple that can disguise its unhappiness in front of the children provides more stability for the kids than a divorce. However, in marriages where the misery is apparent and ongoing, the children often fare better if the parents separate.
You cannot change your husband. He must be willing to make the effort, and he is not. Either accept the man as he is and find fulfillment through outside activities and volunteer work, or call it a day.
Dear Annie: We are foster parents, and our biggest problem is dealing with the attitudes and behaviors of others. Please tell your readers:
UDon't ask why the kids were removed from their parents. This is confidential information, and it is not the children's fault that their families fell apart.
UDon't talk negatively about a child. These kids already have low self-esteem and don't need to hear other people putting them down.
UDon't ask when they are being returned. We don't know, and we don't care. They are our kids as long as we have the privilege of loving them.
UDon't ask if they've been tested for AIDS or other diseases.
UDon't ooze with false sympathy. These kids are smart and can see through you. Instead, be honest, smile and talk to them as human beings.
UDon't ask how much we get paid to foster. We are reimbursed for living expenses, but we do not make money from this work.
Foster parenting is an act of love, not dollars. We love our foster children and want you to accept them. Mother
Dear Mother: Foster parents are to be commended for taking in these often-troubled children and providing love and dependability. Bless you.
Dear Annie: You printed a letter from a woman whose boyfriend dumped her, and now she wants to tell his new girlfriend about his unsavory past. You said the new girl would assume it was "sour grapes." I want to let your readers know where the expression originated and what it actually means.
"Sour grapes" comes from an Aesop fable about a fox that can't reach the best grapes on a tall vine, so he convinces himself that he never wanted those grapes anyway, claiming they were sour. To use this expression merely as a metaphor for bitterness is an over-simplification of its actual meaning. An Aesop Fan
Dear Aesop: Webster's, as you do, defines "sour grapes" as "disparaging something that is unattainable," which is exactly how we used it. But we love these little clarifications, and we thank you.
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