Let 2007 be the year to plunder and pillage

At the start of 2006, this space was dedicated to a list of altruistic -- in retrospect, naive -- New Year's resolutions. The preamble stated, in part: " ... let us resolve not to be satisfied with the bones [it was the year of the dog] that public employees keep tossing our way ..."
Among the resolutions -- they certainly must have drawn howls of laughter from individuals slopping at the public trough -- were these:
U"We resolve to fight waste in government at all levels and demand that public entities in the Mahoning Valley spend less than what they did in 2005."
Oh, you silly taxpayers! When will you ever learn that there's no such thing as fiscal responsibility in the public sector?
U"We resolve to make consolidation of government services a top priority and to push for regionalism."
Has hell frozen over? Consolidation of services and regionalism would result in the elimination of jobs. And that is not going to happen -- at least not in the Mahoning Valley. There are many public employees who are reaching retirement age or can't succeed in the private sector who will fight any effort to make government at all levels leaner and more efficient. As the saying goes, "Thar's gold in them public pension plans" -- thanks to you, the private sector taxpayer.
And finally, there was this embarrassing, rib-tickling resolution last January:
UWe resolve to make 2006 the year of the taxpayer -- so that when we say 'jump', public sector employees will ask, 'How high?'"
No, they didn't ask "How high?" It's more likely they wondered why this writer clings to the belief that government exists to serve the people.
But, the lesson has been learned.
A new year
Thus, for 2007, the resolutions are based on the proposition that public employees in the Mahoning Valley have earned the right to plunder and pillage and we, the taxpayers, have an obligation to support them in those endeavors.
Be it resolved, therefore:
UThat public sector workers be given the freedom to show up for work whenever they please, take as many breaks as they deem necessary for their well-being, and leave when they think they've shuffled enough papers, sharpened enough pencil and leaned against enough shovels.
UThat 100 percent of every government budget be dedicated to salaries and benefits for our dear, overworked public employees and that the taxpayers be required to pay additional fees for such things as police and fire protection, the purchase of equipment, the resurfacing of roads, and even the light bills for government offices.
UThat the victims of crime bear the responsibility for paying to house the perpetrators of crime.
This one requires an explanation: Say you are assaulted by some burglar in your home and he is caught, you would pay the cost of having the perpetrator go through the criminal justice system and be incarcerated. If you want criminals off the streets, you had better be prepared to pay for that -- over and above the taxes you already shell out.
It would certainly stop all the whining about criminals getting away with murder. Government isn't about protecting the rights of the citizenry, it's about protecting the jobs of those who have their hands firmly on the brass ring.
UThat elected officials who choose to play musical chairs in order to build their years of service in government be held up as God's gift to humanity. After all, their service to mankind is virtuous. These officeholders could have been selfish and remained in the private sector, thereby depriving us of their superior intellect, their expertise and their work ethic.
And finally, for 2007, let us resolve to treat our public employees with kindness and understanding.
If you walk into a government office and you're ignored, don't take offense. You're invisible. Introduce yourself thus: "Pardon me for interrupting your nap, but could you assist me?" And if you get a vacant stare, just remember, it takes awhile to become fully awake.
We, the private sector taxpayers, have been unfairly critical of the men and women whose top-dollar salaries and golden benefit packages are financed by money from our pockets.
There is honor in goldbricking -- and let us resolve to reward those in government who have made it their life's work. They have earned the right to plunder and pillage.
Happy New Year.
Of course, resolutions are meant to be broken, so break at will -- and make this the year to throw the bums out.