Bad inventions aplenty

I had a traumatic thing happen to me this week. I received a big box packed with plastic foam peanuts.
Don't you hate those?
As I dug down, dozens floated to the floor, stuck to my clothes and caused such severe anxiety I considered responding to one of those junk e-mails offering cheap Xanax.
I bring this up because a columnist in Parade magazine recently asked readers their thoughts on the worst inventions of all time.
Plastic foam peanuts are up there. On a similar note, so are those padded envelopes full of gray fluff.
People like me, who are in middle age or later, are good at this question because we're skeptical of most new things. As my dad, who is 82, says, "I've seen a lot of changes in my years, and I've been against every one of them."
I would think anyone's Bad Invention Hall of Fame would include the leisure suit and platform shoes. Also, the disco ball, disco music, disco hair and discotheques.
Though I wear them often, I wonder what sick mind hatched the idea of putting tight silk nooses around men's necks and declaring them fashionable. Next time women complain about high heels -- another questionable invention -- let them garrot themselves with ties for a few weeks.
I never liked Silly String. I bought my share of it for my kids over the years, and all I got in return were toxic clumps that took forever to clean up. And why did I buy so many of those toy plastic guns that shoot yellow pellets or mini discs that you continue to find behind the couch years later?
TV laugh tracks were a bad invention, as were chopsticks. I respect people who eat with them, but if I had to use those instead of silverware, I'd be malnourished by now.
I personally don't know why they invented the Speedo. Then there was that phase when people like Joe Namath were selling the equivalent of thongs for men. I liked him more as a quarterback than a lingerie model.
I'm also against dog clothes. I just don't think a poodle in a sweater is a positive thing for the world. Worse, this has created dissension in my household because my wife and daughter recently bought a jacket for our pound mutt. There goes JJ's dignity.
Why do they make car and house alarms blare for 15 minutes? That's another bad invention. It should be two minutes at the most. If the thief is brazen enough to stick around that long, he deserves the stereo.
Can we talk Astroturf and indoor stadiums? Part of what makes a great football game are guys sloshing around in the mud and snow. That doesn't happen in an enclosed, climate-controlled stadium.
I'm also against the invention of 50 million contracts for one player. The result is that most people have been priced out of seeing a professional game. Getting your family good seats at the Red Sox can easily cost over 1,000. Compared to the 1970s, that has to beat inflation ten times over. If cars had gone up as much as pro sports tickets, the average Camry would cost 150,000.
I still don't understand ringtones. Is it necessary to walk through the mall and be bombarded by cell phones chiming with everything from hip-hop to the William Tell Overture? Not to mention that my own children have been known to embarrass me by setting my phone to the Popeye theme song.
And why does every new cell phone have to be so complicated? My mother does not need to send texts, surf the Web, take pictures and download MP3 files, but she can't buy a phone that only makes and receives calls anymore.
I'd also like to know who invented the modern phone bill. What's a TRS charge? An LNP? An access charge?
Teeth cleaning
I don't remember teeth cleanings at the dentist as a kid. Now, four times a year, I have to endure a hygienist jabbing sharp instruments into my gums. I'm sure I'm better for it, but I can't say I like it. Just as I don't like whoever invented that male exam where the doctor first puts on the rubber glove.
I'm not a huge fan of lawn ornaments, though I have to admit, I really like those huge inflatable globes with a snowman and "snow" blowing inside. But my wife won't let me buy one for fear we will be asked to leave the neighborhood.
I don't even want to talk about that hard, clear sealed material that encases everything electronic these days. You need a chainsaw to get the packaging off your new flashlight.
Patinkin is a columnist for The Providence Journal. Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service,