High-maintenance mom wears on daughter

Dear Annie: My mother is nearly 70 and lives out of state. She has some health problems, like arthritis, and she also had a mild stroke some years ago.
Mom always has been difficult. She's burned all bridges with her family (except me), and the only friends she has are ones she's met recently. From time to time, she threatens to cut off contact with me, too, so I'm navigating an emotional minefield. I've learned that I can't bend to please her (which would be impossible), but I've noticed that she's gotten worse lately.
My mother deeply resents my husband, a kind, loving and respectful man. He doesn't mind when I send Mom money, and whenever she visits us, he tries to find activities that she likes. He always spends time talking to her. He even helps her getting in and out of the car, etc., and cooks her favorite foods. Despite this, she still resents him, puts him down behind his back and belittles his family. (They've always been nice to her, too.)
Mom now complains that she's had several ministrokes over the last year, but when I question her about it, she shrugs it off and refuses to see her doctor. I've written the doctor, but he won't respond to me because of patient confidentiality. Worse, he doesn't take care of her basic heart needs and totally ignores treating her arthritis.
My mother is definitely high maintenance, and there is no pleasing her. But I want to make her last years comfortable and see that she's taken care of. I've asked her doctor to screen her for depression, and he does nothing except give her pills -- no tests, no questioning, just endless prescriptions for anti-depressants. What can I do? Loving Daughter
Dear Daughter: If your mother is mentally competent, she gets to make these decisions, good or bad. However, a series of ministrokes could easily have rendered her incapable of making rational choices. Speak to her doctor again and tell him you'd like a referral to a geriatric specialist. He should be willing to do this. You then can take Mom to the new doctor -- who should have access to all her records.
Dear Annie: My kids are like many who never remember to say "thanks," so to make it easy for them, I made up the enclosed "all-purpose thank-you note" and gave each a supply. Hope you can use it. James M. Runsvold, Caldwell, Idaho
Dear James Runsvold: Very cute. Purists may scoff, but we think any thank-you note is better than none. Here it is:
Dear (check one):
( ) Grandma and Grandpa:
( ) Aunt:
( ) Uncle:
( ) Dad:
( ) Mother:
( ) To Whom it May Concern:
Thank you so much for the (check one):
( ) lovely
( ) thoughtful
( ) gnarly
( ) fabulous
gift you sent me for (check one):
( ) Christmas
( ) birthday
( ) graduation
( ) release from jail.
It is exactly what I (check one):
( ) wanted
( ) ordered
( ) dreamed about
( ) will give to a deserving child
( ) will give to someone else after putting a new card on it.
I hope that you are doing (check one):
( ) well
( ) better
and will reward (check one):
( ) me
( ) yourself
with more gifts in the future.
Check one:
( ) Love,
( ) Respectfully,
Name:
Dear Annie: Here's my answer to "Missing Him Now," whose overweight husband thought he could spice up their sex life by buying lingerie.
She should tell him that every time he loses a pound, she will have sex with him wearing sexy lingerie. She could sweeten the deal by presenting this proposal wearing one of his recent gifts. Night Dealer in Cambridge, Mass.
Dear Night Dealer: If it were that easy to motivate someone to lose weight, everyone would be thin. But it's certainly worth a try. Thanks for the suggestion. (What if he loses 4 pounds at once?)
Creators Syndicate
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