Kay needs to get her spending under control

Dear Annie: I have a good friend of 27 years who always has financial issues. "Kay" is married to a pretty controlling man. She ran up several credit cards years ago, and her husband paid them off. After that, he had her paycheck go directly into his bank account, and he gives her $300 a month for gas, expenses, clothing, etc.
Well, Kay has run up the credit cards again, and has written checks to payday-loan places that charge a lot of interest if she's late. Kay cannot make the payments, and the credit-card companies are calling daily. Her credit is horrible, and none of those credit-fix companies will even speak to her. Her husband, of course, has no knowledge of this.
Here's my problem. Over the past few months, I have given Kay several thousand dollars to help her out of her various messes. However, she seems to be digging herself deeper and deeper, and I know that I am her only source of funds.
I am really uncomfortable when we talk, because every conversation turns to her financial problems. I always feel she is indirectly asking me for more money. I think I've already given her too much. I love Kay as a friend, and when we aren't discussing money, we can have a lot of fun.
How can I be supportive while cutting off the money? Friend in Credit
Dear Friend: You are not helping Kay by giving her money, you are only postponing the inevitable. She needs to control her spending (which undoubtedly includes psychological components related to her husband).
If Kay asks you for money, tell her "sorry," and give her the number of the National Foundation for Credit Counseling (nfcc.org) at (800) 388-2227 to straighten out her finances, and then tell her to contact Debtors Anonymous (debtorsanonymous.org) at P.O. Box 920888, Needham, MA 02492-0009. Then you'll be a real friend.
Dear Annie: My problem is with my husband of four years. Three or four times a year, "Ted" blows up. I never know when it's going to happen or why. Ted is generally a wonderful guy except for these temper tantrums. Last time it was because it took him 45 minutes to mow the lawn.
When Ted is out of control, he screws up his whole face and spits out sentences punctuated very liberally with profanities. (He rarely swears otherwise.) The more he talks, the more upset he becomes. He then shuts down and won't speak to me for days. When he feels better, he expects to continue as if nothing happened.
After the last incident, I said I would not converse with him until I got an apology, but the best he could come up with was, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Every time this happens, it takes me longer to recover. I am afraid for our marriage. What can I do? Mrs. Jekyll-Hyde
Dear Mrs. J-H: You have reason to be afraid. Ted is a lighted fuse. First, ask him to see his doctor for a complete physical to be certain he doesn't have a neurological problem. Then insist that he take anger-management classes and attend counseling sessions with you. If he refuses, see a counselor on your own.
Dear Annie: This is for "Frustrated," whose self-absorbed neighbor is constantly interrupting her in order to talk about herself. I say butt right back in.
Instead of getting upset with my friends for these same interruptions (and angry at myself for putting up with it), I turn the subject back to what I want. I use phrases like, "Sorry to change the subject, but ... ," or "That reminds me ... ," or "Oh! I meant to tell you ... " and so on.
It takes a little nerve, but I say go for it. Talking More, Enjoying It More
Dear Talking: The "fight fire with fire" approach can be helpful, although it is just as likely to make everyone a little testy. But if it works for you, great.
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