Another tough day at the park

Every once in a while, we'll get a call at work from someone -- he might be a welder, he might be a construction worker, he might be an alligator salesman -- and he'll say something like, "Hey, I (weld, build houses, recover from alligator wounds) for a living. I don't like it. How can I get your job?"
And I think to myself, "Who does this guy think he is? He acts like we get paid to go to opening day, sit in a chair and watch baseball. What a jerk!"
So if you're one of those guys, I just want you to know that I did not sit in a chair all day. I also got up to eat the free popcorn, use the media rest room and, in the locker room after the game, I asked Casey Blake a very professional question, which was: "So Casey, was the fog blowing out today?"
OK, OK. I have a good job. I got to see Tom Hamilton in a tuxedo. I got to drive to Cleveland in sneeze-like weather. I got to give up my Friday and Saturday nights for the next 45 years.
(See? It's not all great.)
Third home opener,same bad parking
This is my third home opener. Each year, I promise myself I'm going to find a cheap parking space. Each year, I pay $20. On Friday, I paid $20. On the way into the park, I walked past a dozen Chief Wahoo protesters, who, like a lot of fans, tend to show up for the first game and avoid most of the others in April. One of the protesters (a young white male) held up a sign that read, "What if: Cleveland Honkies."
If the protesters really want to get something accomplished, they should try banning Slider. Slider is the worst mascot in sports. The only things worse than Slider are bruised fruit, poetry, monkey movies and NASCAR. But today is not a day for negatives.
The Indians are playing the Twins. Rondell White, 36, is hitting cleanup for the Twins. He came over from the Tigers. When your cleanup hitter is a 36-year-old who came over from the Tigers, you have no cleanup hitter. (White went 0-for-4 Friday. He's hitting .067 through four games this season.)
The Indians lost my other two openers, but today looks hopeful. The Tribe's first hit came on their first batter, Grady Sizemore, who my girlfriend has a crush on. I have no problem with this, as you can see from the following conversation that actually took place:
"You know Grady wets the bed, right?" I told her.
"He wets the bed?"
"As far as you know."
Key distinctionsbetween players
As I write this, Sizemore is running home on an RBI single by Jhonny Peralta. My girlfriend does not have a crush on Peralta. Coincidentally, Peralta does not wet the bed. (These are key distinctions you need to make if you want to become a professional sportswriter.)
In the top of the second, Sizemore makes a ridiculous leaping catch in center. I think Paul Byrd now has a crush on him.
Byrd, by the way, was originally a draft pick of the Indians before getting traded to the Mets in 1994. He's also pitched for the Braves, Phillies, Royals and Angels. Seeing that, you might think he's a journeyman, but he gets paid too much to be a journeyman. You can, however, call him crafty, which is another way of saying he doesn't throw very hard. If you want to be a baseball writer, it's very important to use the correct lingo.
Different cities,different problems
At 3:45 p.m., in the top of the third, a layer of fog rolls in from the outfield. I'm not sure how many major league cities have to worry about afternoon fog delays, but it can't be many. Los Angeles, however, battles smog and Boston battles smug. (If you want to be a professional writer, you have to be able to come up with snappy lines like this.)
At 4:03, the fog alert is upgraded from "October in Maine" level to "Inside a Youngstown bar on a Friday night" level. Visibility is so poor, several Pittsburgh fans write in to request fog for all of the Pirates' games this season.
At 4:21, fog status upgraded to "Not too shabby." If you're a sportswriter and you don't know what to write about, write about the weather. It's always there and people love the weather. The most famous sports lead in history came from Grantland Rice's Four Horseman story and it talked about the weather. (Outlined against a blue-gray October sky ...)
In the bottom of the fifth, Twins pitcher Kyle Lohse loads the bases with two outs, prompting the Indians to play Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train." It's a federal law that this song must be played at least once at every professional sporting event. This law needs to be changed. Twins manager Ron Gardenhire decides to leave Lohse in against Casey Blake.
Bad decision. Blake hits a grand slam. Many of you are probably wondering, "Hey Joe, when was the last time an Indians player hit a grand slam in a home opener?" Well, I'll tell you. It was Travis Hafner on April 12, 2004 against the Twins. The pitcher? Kyle Lohse.
Killing a tree forjournalistic integrity
Why do I know this? They told me. It's just one of the 8 zillion post-game notes that are handed to you. I can also tell you who hit the second-to-last grand slam in an Indians home opener. It was Travis Fryman in 2002. It was also against the Twins. It was not against Lohse.
In the top of the sixth, Justin Morneau hits a homer for the Twins. An Indians fan throws it back, which is the second-stupidest tradition in sports (next to the Tomahawk Chop). Listen, I don't care if Satan hits one out and it's Game 7 of the World Series, I'm keeping the ball.
(If you're going to be a writer, you need to take tough stands on the important issues.)
The Indians go on to win 11-6, which breaks my losing streak. I went to six games last season and they lost all six. Many people felt that I was a jinx. I'm not sure what the fallacy is called, but I believe it goes something like this: A follows B. Therefore, A caused B.
But not today.
Today they won.
You can't stop the Honkies.
Joe Scalzo is a sportswriter for The Vindicator. Write him at scalzo@vindy.com.