Wife's emotional limbo just leads to misery

Dear Annie: For the last few years, I have suspected that my husband, "Charlie," is having an affair with a certain widow in the neighborhood. There have been several upsetting events to make me suspicious. For example, at a party, I was talking to her about our travel plans, and suddenly, she jumped up and said, "I have heard enough," and left. Another time, Charlie was mouthing something to her. I also found a note on which Charlie had written a date and time. However, it was a time when he should have been sleeping.
I try not to leave the house, because I know if I do, he will go over to her place. Charlie can never explain anything to my satisfaction, and when I try and discuss the situation, he becomes enraged and claims I am wrong. Every night he says he loves me, and I get a note from him every morning saying the same thing.
We've had counseling, which didn't help, and I have discussed separation and divorce. Charlie says he will starve himself to death if I leave. I think he wants both of us, which I will not put up with. I have hired a detective, but he hasn't found out anything so far.
I'd like this woman to know that Charlie and I have sex twice a month and he professes endless love for me. She must be desperate if she will settle for someone to come over in the middle of the night. Here is a surprise for her: If she will just tell me what is happening, she can have him. I don't want to spend my time with a cheater. Sorry in the Southwest
Dear Sorry: Let's see -- a woman didn't want to hear about your travel plans, your husband once mouthed some words to her, you found a note with a date and time you didn't understand, and you hired a private investigator who discovered nothing. Based on this, you are convinced Charlie is sneaking out in the middle of the night and having an affair. So you refuse to leave the house, you accuse him of being a liar, and you are generally making yourself miserable.
We think your "evidence" is pretty flimsy, and if Charlie isn't running from you now, he soon will be. Either you trust him or you don't, you stay or you leave, but get yourself out of this emotional limbo.
Dear Annie: Is it appropriate for someone to give a eulogy without the family's consent? That is what our sister-in-law did at the funeral of our youngest brother. Her feeble attempts at humor made a painful situation even more upsetting.
Should we tell our brother that his wife's behavior was unacceptable and let him handle it? Should we confront her directly? Should we just forget the whole thing, since the damage has already been done? The one thing we do agree on is that she owes us an apology. Grieving in Wisconsin
Dear Grieving: First, forgive your sister-in-law. We don't believe she was trying to hurt anyone. Grieving people often respond in inappropriate ways. It sounds more like she was attempting to remember the good times. Now, go talk to her, calmly and kindly. Tell her you know she meant no harm, but it was difficult for you to listen to her words. If she has any sense, she'll apologize right on the spot, but either way, please let it go.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Sleeps Alone and Likes It," who wanted to know if it was normal for her and her husband to have separate bedrooms. I think the cutest answer to this question came from a Southern friend who was showing me her new house. As I walked around, it became apparent that the couple had separate bedrooms. Our hostess chuckled and said, "But we have so much fun visitin'!" A Reader in Dover, N.H.
Dear Dover: We bet they do. Thanks.
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