FATHERHOOD Children need to know who's dad

Mixed messages do no good for the people who most need parents' help.
By SAMANTHA CRITCHELL
ASSOCIATED PRESS
NEW YORK -- As mothers and fathers, psychologists and academics debate what the role of a father should be, children are getting mixed signals about masculinity and discipline, according to psychologist Mark O'Connell.
Fatherhood has become confused and politicized, he says, as one camp argues that men need to hold the hard line in the household no matter what the circumstance, while others argue that fathers should be more nurturing and in touch with their children's emotions -- basically be more like mothers.
O'Connell, a father of two sons, ages 16 and 11, and a 14-year-old daughter, serves on the faculty at Boston Psychoanalytic Institute and Harvard Medical School. He says he wrote the book "The Good Father" (Scribner) to start a thoughtful conversation and not to give sound-bite advice.
"One thing that's really important to talk about when it comes to fathers is context. When you ask 'What is a dad?' you get different ideas and strong reactions depending on who you ask," he says.
In general, you'll probably hear that men tend to be more aggressive and hierarchical, and there's a perception those traits translate into more direct orders to the kids than conversations, O'Connell observes. But in single-parent families, for example, fathers tend to be much more maternal. "This shows that we have the potential to act in different ways, that we're able to fill the role that we need to fill," he says.
Nurture
O'Connell believes that most men have that softer side within them but there's such pressure for them to be "masculine," rough and tough, that they don't get the opportunity to use their innate characteristics.
Yet, while it's expected of men to be aggressive in so many areas of their lives, there's a lot of criticism when fathers approach parenting that way, he says.
Instead, O'Connell suggests figuring out how aggression and authoritativeness can be best put to use within the family structure -- and decide how much is enough.
Some men are so afraid now to put their foot down that women have become the disciplinarians in many households because they can get away with more, O'Connell observes. "Men know society is watching."
"That nanny reality show on TV (ABC's 'Supernanny') shows that we don't have a comfortable model for discipline and authority within the family," he adds.
And believe it or not, children crave some discipline and authority, just not so much that they're living in fear.
Parents need to establish rules and enforce them effectively so that kids will know how to behave but also so they know how to deal with emotions such as anger or disappointment, according to O'Connell.
"Children aren't only the product of cerebral negotiation. Parents need to be able to convey their anger that children aren't putting toys away. ... One of the things that motivated me to write this book was that there is an increasing amount of parenting literature out there about negotiation and the need for kinder and gentler parents, but not all authority is knee-jerk conservative authoritarianism."
O'Connell adds: "Kids need to learn that the world isn't always the exact way they want it to be."
Being organized
Boys tend to need more structure and organization and fathers usually are more willing to be firm with their sons since they're among men -- albeit pint-size ones, O'Connell says, while fathers sometimes make the mistake of being overly delicate with girls. "Girls get an adoring father but not an authoritative father," he says.
"I think there is a way in which the whole negotiation of sexuality of childhood is very complicated between fathers and daughters, and aspects of discipline can be about excitement of power -- and that's frightening to a lot of fathers so they abdicate and back off. Daughters lose out when fathers do that."
Authoritative fathers actually allow their children more freedom to find out about themselves, O'Connell says, because they're the dads who don't have to worry about their kids getting out of control and engaging in overly risky behavior. Those kids would know they'd have to face the consequences if they did.